The Attainable and Unattainable (for now) Birthday Wish List

I am turning 26 in 18 days. When I was a kid, I though that 26 is my marrying age. If I followed that "ideal time line", I should have been preparing for my wedding this year. But... things change... and so does the budget. Haha! I will be 26 and I don't think I am ready for that yet. Though, I would love to get married someday (with my boyfriend of course!) I don't think I am ready to start a family financially.

Last month, me and my two siblings were admitted in the hospital. Yes, the youngest was also admitted due to dengue AND typhoid. We spent a lot of money with our hospitalization and I planned not to celebrate my birthday anymore. It's because I really have a tight budget this month; I wasn't paid by my employer due to my absences last month.

But then again... it's my birthday. I should celebrate it... I can celebrate it with my forever comfort food, McDonald's Cheeseburger Meal and drink Coke through their Coke Can Glass (only P25!).

And since it's my birthday, I'll probably scavenge for birthday gifts like what I did to my sister's medicines. Haha!

Attainable Birthday Wish List (aka the NEEDS)



Ombre Hair. As much as I want to do it by myself, I am scared of damaging my own hair. I'll probably go to the salon for this.



Zipline Adventure. Finally, after the long wait! I will be able to try this! I told myself that before I turn 26, I should be able to try the Zipline Adventure. We, my co-staff nurses and I,  will be going to Eastwood this Saturday to try this Zipline in the metro. I can't wait! Thank God, I don't have an fresh operated wound to worry about!



Vanity Table. I really, really need this for my room because the products I use for myself are quite messy. They're just everywhere. Haha! With this, I'd be able to organize my make-up set and primp and pamper products!



Curling Iron SET. Yes, a single curling iron is not enough for me. I want a full set of curling iron. pang-artista effect ba. Lol. Since my mom didn't allow me to perm my hair, I should probably get a curling iron instead! (This should be under unattaible since I am wishing for a SET!)

Unattainable Wish List (Wants. Stuff that I don't need for now but I wish I have the moolah to buy them)




Camera. I always rant about wanting to have my own camera. And I still don't get one because of school fees. :(



Make-Up Brush Set. One of my plans is to fully furnish the vanity table that I will buy. Haha. I told you, pang-artista! If I get a complete set of make-up, I'd also need to get this set.



Shoes. I'm not really fond of wearing high heels but these are lovely! <3

That's all I can think about. Material things that could temporarily make me happy. What could really make me happy on my birthday or this 26th year of my life  are the following: to find the fulfillment in my job, finish my master's degree, have a healthy life, celebrate our 4th year anniversary, healthy life for my parents and success for my siblings.

25th birthday

I feel like I have two birthdays this year: yesterday and today. Yesterday, I celebrated it with my family and my boyfriend. Today, which is my actual birthday, was spent by answering greetings on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr and SMS, watching SONA, and attending the 6pm mass.

This morning I arranged the flowers given by TJ on a flower vase. I just randomly put it on the vase and displayed it on our altar. I don't have the talent in flower arrangement so it doesn't really look nice. Haha. I, then, realized how gifted the florists are. I wish I have that talent too!

Because I wasn't able to wear my "birthday dress" yesterday, I just took pictures of me wearing it today. TJ didn't allow me to wear a dress; baka masilipan daw ako while watching the PBA games.



Bought this dress from a thrift store. <3

And another...



At 6pm, I went to church to attend the mass. Tears fell down from my eyes when the priest mentioned about "blessed are those who wait" during the homily. It is because before the mass started, I prayed and thanked God for making me happy this day. "Diba Lord, sabi niyo... blessed are those who wait... Eto na... happy na uli ako." And during the Prayers of the Faithful, they also mentioned about couples who had problems, that they may be reunited by love, be strengthened by their faith, and be reconciled. This is it. This is the answer from God. And I don't know how many times I said thank you during the mass. I just couldn't believe that this is happening. I thought that I am starting a new life without him... but then, God still wants us to be together.

In a few hours, my special day will end. Back to normal life: school and work. I still can not believe that I am already 25 because seriously, I still feel young! Nagmumurang kamatis! Haha! It is probably because I still don't have that much of responsibilities at home or in my life, generally speaking. Sigh, I really wish that I'll still get those things I pray for. I know I can't get them all in one snap. I know they will come at the right time. So here I am, waiting again...

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Thank you everyone for the greetings! :)

PhD, MSN, SPED

Yesterday, Brian and I talked about career advancement and professional growth. We discussed about the increasing number of MA students in school. Then we’ve jumped into a conclusion that BSN degree is not enough anymore. Well, that’s just us.

So, Brian and I aim to take Doctor of Nursing in the future. Just a goal, just a plan. If I get lucky to achieve it, then that would be awesome.

Then Nina and I also plan to take Special Education. I like SPED. I like dealing with special people. So again, this is another plan.

Then there’s Master of Science in Nursing. I really want to take this one but I plan to do this abroad. Some schools offer this in our country but I just want to take this in another country. Let’s see if I can achieve this goal too.

When June comes in...

Whenever the month of June arrives, I always feel excited about celebrating my birthday. My birthday is on July but I do get enthusiastic as early as June. But now, I don't know. The excitement suddenly turned into pressure. I'm turning 25 this year and I feel pressured about getting older.

When I was in high school and in college, I saw myself as a successful lady at the age of 25. I saw myself travelling and filling my closet with branded clothes and shoes. What happened? Why am I still here? Why am I still the old Xyla who dreams of becoming successful? Nothing changed. Nothing really changed.

In 5 years, I'm going to be 30 years old. And no, I won't let myself stay this way in 5 years. I have to do something. I really have to. Well actually, I know I am doing something. Maybe it's not really my time yet. But... when is really my time? I'm getting impatient!

On the lighter note, as part of growing up (LOL! Why did I just say this now?), I think I am already done with my digital scrapbooked layout phase. I suddenly fancy minimalistic themes for blogs. I have suddenly outgrown some kiddie stuff I fancy. Maybe I am really getting older. And... I just realized... maybe the pressure of getting older is normally part of the young adulthood stage.

Uhh. This entry is non-sense. I just wanted to say I have a new layout after a year.

Is it a good thing or a bad thing?

This morning, I was late for the endorsement. The IV nurse was already endorsing ICU 8 when I came. They normally start endorsing from ICU 9 to ICU 1. Since ICU 9 is vacant, they started the endorsement at ICU 8. So technically, I am not really that late.

After the endorsement, we, the trainees, together with the volunteers, waited for our patient assignment. But unexpectedly, the head nurse asked us to report about our patients yesterday. We were all surprised about the sudden "oral exam". We were already warned before that the head nurse would occasionally ask us about our patients but we didn't see it coming.

Anyway, I was able to answer his questions except for one. Why was D5NSS (5% Dextrose in normal saline solution) shifted to PNSS (plain normal saline solution)? Okay, I didn't know about that. I think I've heard about it during the endorsement but I couldn't remember it right at that moment. The answer was because the patient is already on soft diet. I honestly do not know the indications of the intravenous fluids that is why I am going to read about it later.

So after all of us have recited, he finally assigned us to our patients but in the middle of writing down our names to each patient on a piece of paper, he asked me a question that I never expected. I don't even know why he asked me that. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing. He only asked me and the other volunteer.

"Gusto mo ba dito sa ICU?" (Do you want to work here in the ICU?) The head nurse asked.

Of course, I answered YES! As in YES WITH MULTIPLE EXCLAMATION POINT! Haha.

I was thinking that maybe the staff nurses felt that I am hating the routine care but my co-trainees told me that maybe because they liked my performance. "Hindi ka naman tatanungin ng ganun kung tatamad tamad ka eh. Parang inoofferan ka nga e," my co-trainees told me. (He wouldn't ask you such question if you're showing them that you're too lazy to work. It's like they're offering you a slot.)

I told my mom about it and she said the same thing. I hope they'll hire me in the ICU despite what I've ranted in my previous entry.

Needs improvement

For the month of April, we, the trainees, are assigned in a special area for one month. As for me, I am assigned in the ICU. It's been years since I had my duty in an intensive care unit. Just so you know, it has always been my favorite area since my student nurse's days aside from the emergency room.

It's been two weeks since our first day in the ICU. I had to adjust for a bit because ICU's policy is far different from the ward. They are more strict when it comes to handling patients. I feel like a newbie despite my previous clinical experience.

This morning, my patient went almost on a hypovolemic shock. I didn't know what to do. All I did was refer, refer and refer. I felt that all the things I've learned in school were all gone. All I knew is that the patient was on a hypoxic state because her oxygen saturation reached 40%. Normally, it should be 95 percent and up. Thank God there were staff nurses to guide me.

I remember what our professor in Clinical Teaching asked us, "Are you competent enough to handle 4th year nursing students in an ICU setting?" I told our professor that I think I am competent enough to handle 4th year nursing students in the ward, but not in an ICU setting. I guess I answered it right. After my 8 hour duty today, I feel that I am still not competent to work alone as a staff nurse in the ICU, what more to handle students and to teach them what to do in a special area. I still need to learn. I still need to be trained if I want to be hired and to work in a special area like in the ICU. And yes, I am very much eager to learn new things because I admit that I am still in dire need of improvement.

Wants vs Needs

It's not what you think.

Today was my first day at school this year. We only had reporting and I am wondering why in the world I am so drained after the class. I still have headache but I decided to blog because I want to let this out... This sadness and this confusion.

So while I was talking to my boyfriend over the phone while resting (I told him that I won't go online tonight because of my headache but here I am, blogging. He'd surely understand.), my mom butt in in our conversation and told me that the hospital where I was supposed to undergo training this month called. The start of our training is next week. Orientation on Wednesday.

My mom asked me if I think I could handle the training because this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. You know how hard it is to apply in a hospital. This is actually a pre-employment training and this is different from the previous trainings I have undergone for some reasons. She told me, "Kung kaya mo naman na, sayang naman kung ipopostpone mo ito. Para sana makapagtrabaho ka na..."

Everybody knows how much I want to work in the hospital. Everybody knows how dedicated I am in this field even though I feel like it's pushing me away because of these circumstances I am dealing with. I really, really want to undergo the training BUT it's been only a month when I underwent operation. I got traumatized with what have happened and I am scared of jeopardizing my health again.

I am crying while typing this because I really do not know what to do. I want to work... but I need to rest. I need to prioritize my health. I don't want another operation. I want to be healthy this year. I have neglected my doctor's health advice before and I don't want to do that again. I regret for being a stubborn "patient".

But... what about my dreams? What about my goals? I am turning 25 this year and look, I haven't achieved anything yet. I am still depending on my parents. I haven't bought anything for myself that I can be proud of. I haven't contributed anything to our monthly bills. I envy those people who have attained something at an early age. I want to be like that too. I really do.

Sigh. I can't decide. :( What to do?

First post for a new decade

EXPLORE LAPAROTOMY EVACUATION OF HEMOPERITONEUM (300cc), WELGE RESECTION OF OVARIAN CYSTS, RIGHT - That's what my medical certificate says. That is the operation they performed last December 22, 2009. Here's a little information about hemoperitoneum:

Hemoperitoneum (sometimes also hematoperitoneum) is the presence of blood in the peritoneal cavity. The blood accumulates in the space between the inner lining of the abdominal wall and the internal abdominal organs. Hemoperitoneum is generally classified as a surgical emergency; in most cases, urgent laparotomy is needed to identify and control the source of the bleeding. In selected cases, careful observation may be permissible. The abdominal cavity is highly distensible and may easily hold greater than five liters of blood, or more than the entire circulating blood volume for an average-sized individual. Therefore, large-scale or rapid blood loss into the abdomen will reliably induce hemorrhagic shock and may, untreated, rapidly lead to death.

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hemoperitoneum

Just reading the definition of hemoperitoneum makes me teary-eyed. I can't believe that until now, I am still in disbelief that this happened to me. On the other hand, I am grateful that I survived such near death experience like what I have blogged before.

Hmm, I don't want to make my first post of the year a sad entry so let's be optimistic here. :) I just shared what I have read from my medical certificate which I got this morning.

On the lighter note, I am currently getting addicted to a new show, Hawthorne. It's about the nurse's lives and how they deal with grumpy doctors and patients. It's good that they made a series for nurses.



Anyway, I've also heard that ABS-CBN made a series for nurses. I was actually expecting that it would be out last year. It stars Judy Ann Santos. I'll probably watch it too and see how Filipinos make/do series like those of in the USA.

And oh, since this is my first post of the year I'll be posting my resolutions that I wrote in my 2010 planner. :)

1. lesser internet time - this is really hard for me since I am an online addict.


2. be healthier - this has been my resolution every year. Haha!


3. write more meaningful entries - as always


4. learn something new - still can't think of anything right now


5. cook more - I'd love to learn how to bake this year :)


6. gain weight - because I ended the year weighing 95 lbs.


7. pamper myself more - because I'm always stressed and I often forget to get some beauty rest and pampering.

So there you go. :) Let's see how this year would turn out for me. I hope it's a good one. Happy New Year! (Yes, it's late.)

My 2009

Last year (2008), I told myself that I will do everything to be successful this year. It didn't happen though but I am still happy how  I was able to spend the whole year. I call my 2009 a PRODUCTIVE YEAR.

I may not have gotten a job yet in the hospital but at least, I was given a chance to be a volunteer nurse in a public hospital, which is a first time for me because I always "work" as a trainee in a private hospital. (February - May 2009)

By the time our contract as a volunteer nurse ended, I was able to get a job as a teacher for Korean students. It didn't last as well because I decided to quit to focus more on my master's class. Being a teacher to Koreans was helluva fun. I was able to see their culture and mingle with them and at the same time, I was able to share my Filipino traits with my Korean kids. I wonder how they are now. I miss those kids. (June - August 2009)

One thing I liked about this year is that I was able to go back to school. I met new friends, gained a lot of knowledge and learned more about my chosen field. I also get to learn more about being a good teacher. My favorite subject in my first semester as a master's degree candidate is our Instructional Supervision. Our professor truly touched my life as a person and as a teacher. I also learned how to work on my own now. Back in college, we were always given group tasks. Now, you have to work on your own  although I know how to work as an individual but this time I don't have subordinates (because I used to be a leader) whom I can ask for help. And oh, I am really happy that I got good grades. (June - October 2009)

I think one of the achievements I've gained this year is being one of the finalists in the Philippine Blog Awards 2009. I may not have grabbed a single award even though I was a finalist in four different categories but at least I was included in this contest as a finalist because not all bloggers are given an opportunity like this. I'm thinking about joining again next year. (October 2009)

Second semester is much more challenging because this is the start of our major subjects but I guess I can handle this because this is where I am more interested in. There are so many tasks to do and until now, I am trying to accomplish them all. I am enjoying it anyway so no complaints about this one. :) (November 2009 - December 2009)

In life, there would always be changes. And these changes would also help us to be strong. My December 2009 is the toughest month of all. I encountered personal problems that I thought I couldn't handle. I was able to get through those 18 days of sadness and longing. God is really good because He answered my prayer. I guess, God really gave my boyfriend to me because I told him that if he's not for me, then he wouldn't come back. But he did. This year is a tough year for both of us but I am glad we're ending this year TOGETHER.

I thought everything would end normally but something happened to me that's really unexpected. But because of this shocking event in my life, it made me stronger. It helped me to become a fighter. I thank God for giving me this kind of strength. And I also thank God that because of this emergency surgery, I felt how much I am loved and supported by the people around me, even those people I really do not know.

So many things happened this year. It is, indeed, my productive year but also a very, very challenging one that I was able to surpass.

Back to School

I am crossing my fingers that I could go back to school this June. I decided to take Master of Arts in Nursing this first semester to be able to apply as a clinical instructor on October. Hopefully, I passed the exam that I took last Saturday despite what happened when I took it.

Geez. The exam was actually easy... but the thing is... it's been years since I multiplied a fraction with a fraction. Hello! I am not using fraction anymore! I am using decimals... and I always have my cute, small calculator with me. So why use fraction? Haha! My nose almost bled while recalling the procedure of fractions with different denominators. I know I got it right but I ran out of time.

Another thing, the Korean girl beside me kept on copying my answers. When the only time left was 13 minutes, she called my attention and asked if she could copy my answers. Omg. What a thick faced girl. Haha! So anyway, I frankly told her that I can not let her copy my answers because I am not yet done with my math solutions. Am I mean? I think I did the right thing.

Well, let's pray that I passed the exam. Right now, I am very busy fixing the other requirements I need for the admission in case I miraculously passed the test. I am really, really excited to go back to school.

How about you? Since June is fast approaching, any preparations for those of you who are still schooling?

Happy New Year!

Happy and blessed 2009 to all of you. :) So how did you guys celebrate your new year? I'd love to read your comments.

Actually, I do not know if this is really a happy new year for our family. It's because we received a bad news from my aunts. Tatay, papa's father ((my grandfather)), had a not-so-good ultrasound result. He needs to undergo more tests to confirm the results. He's diabetic and he's having a lot of complications.

As a nurse, it's already normal for me to hear such cases. I have handled so many diabetic patients when I was a student and a trainee. So when I heard about the news, I automatically discussed the pathophysiology of the result to my parents. It was hard explaining them in layman's term.

As a grand daughter, I felt sad, of course. Who wouldn't, right? Although I am not very close to my grand father ((because we grew up here in Quezon City and they are residing in the province ever since)), I still worry about his health.

But as the daughter of my grandfather's first son, I am more of concerned. My father only lost two significant people in his life: his aunt ((tatay's sister)), who gave our 2 houses, and his grandmother ((tatay's aunt)), who raised him up and sent him to school until he earned his degree. Nothing's permanent in this world. I'm a nurse. With those diagnoses ((three different complications)), I know where this is leading to. I really hope that papa would face this challenge in his life and his family with strong faith in God.

I badly need your prayers for my grandfather and for our family.

On a lighter note, I made a quote for myself. It's like a goal that I really, really have to achieve this year.

Tough, huh.

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