Long VL Diaries: Day 14

A late Happy Valentine's greeting from me to my readers! :)

Yesterday, I was still not feeling well but a little bit better compared to Day 12 and 13. I wanted to ignore how special this day is for couples but I can't help it. Every taken person on my news feed, dashboard and timeline posted about dates, flowers, etc. I was kinda bitter at first (Haha! I'm sorry!) but ended up very happy for my friends who received sweet stuff from their boyfriends.

Seeing their photos reminded me of his surprises during our 4 year relationship. He never failed to surprise me on every Valentine's Day. Before I met him, I always say that Valentine's Day shouldn't be a big deal because cliche as it may sound, everyday must be a Valentine's Day for every couple. But hello? We live in a real world... not in a fairy tale so the "everyday must be a Valentine's Day" thing doesn't happen to most of the couples. So when we became a couple, that day became really special to me. Every year, as much as I don't want to expect any surprises, I can't help but to look forward to it. On our first year, he gave me a teddy bear with chocolates. In 2009, he made me really mad on the evening of February 13 until the morning of February 14... Little did I know, he was outside my house with a bouquet of flowers. In 2010, I can't exactly remember but I think he gave me chocolates and a bunch of flowers. In 2011, he took me out on a surprise date and we watched the annual Pyromusical Olympics in Mall of Asia (that's when Katy Perry's song Firework became our theme song. Lol, I kid). And in 2012... nothing. NGANGA! Lol.

It made me sad. I missed everything... not only him but also the things he did for me. Like what I always say, he's my first in almost everything. I know that I haven't really blogged about what really happened. It's something that I really, really wanted to let it all out in my blog just to make me feel better. But it's too complicated and the fact that this blog doesn't only have one reader, I don't think it's appropriate to post it in public. One thing I want to say is that I was kind of devastated. I always ask God... why me? I have never wronged anyone. My friends know that the last thing I would do to anyone is to hurt them. I'm not a saint. I'm kind of a bitch sometimes but I was raised by my parents not to step on anyone's toes. "Less words, less mistakes," that's what my mom told me but then she told me that if it's time to fight and to stand up, then do it. I think I've fought for what I believe in... and that is: Let God do His works. I remained calm and quiet. I tried to keep all the good vibes and get rid of the negativities. His mom also told me, "Huwag mong babaguhin ang sarili mo na ikakasira mo para lang makapagmove on. Huwag mong ibahin yun pagkakakilala sa'yo ng mga tao..." I get what his mom told me and I felt how much she loves me by trying to guide me to the right path like what my own parents do. I think what makes me guilty about this break up thing is that I never told any of my family members that we're not together anymore. My parents don't have any single idea that we have already broken up. And I think that it's difficult to pretend that you're okay at home because who do you really turn to when you've got no one else? Your family, right? But I tried to keep mum about it;  I took away that "privilege" to feel better in the arms of my family... Just because I think it's the best thing to do as of this moment.

So anyway, last night I was surprised by these:

A bunch of red flowers, a teddy bear, chocolates and a card

It was delivered at my doorstep and it came from my best friend who knows that I've been used to Valentine's Day surprises. I really appreciate the effort even though I prefer pink roses and that my name on the card is Jeremy instead of Xyla. Hehe. I know that my best friend wanted me to be happy despite the fact that the surprise wasn't from a boyfriend. Still and all, I was deeply touched by this surprise.

I think it's time that I post an update.

I know I haven't posted here for more than a month. It's because I have lesser time to blog a real blog. You know what I mean. I only post random stuff on Tumblr when I am bored and during my I-should-be-working-now-on-my-thesis-what-the-hell-am-I-doing-on-Tumblr moments.

To be honest, when I am at work, I have so many things on mind that must be documented here... but when I get home and sit right in front of my laptop, I don't know how to start an article anymore... But these are the things I wanted to blog in full details but I am just too tired to think of a lot of words right now:

• My experiences with uma-aattitude medical interns


• My experiences with malditang patient's relatives


• That moment when I received an email from Mr. Howie Severino. He asked me if I could write a blog for their website. I said yes! But... I don't have the time to write the article yet. :(


• My decision to cut my hair. Goodbye ombre hair. :(


• An issue in our station that caused one of our new staff nurses to resign.


• My I-don't-see-myself-as-a-nurse-forever complaints


• New beauty products I have tried (review)

Because I am giving you an update today, I am very happy to announce that I was invited for an Organic Expo in St. Paul Manila this week. Just in case you don't know yet, I started a business on my birthday month (July) and my products are organic and naturally made. I started with All Organics (aka Milea) first. My soaps are really mabenta and patok! Then this month, I applied as a dealer for Human Heart Nature. :) I think I made the right choice to be a dealer of HHN because I have more sales now than before. :) It's probably because HHN is more "popular" in the organic market than AO.

The reason I started this business is because I saw how effective these products are. I know my pimple problem is hopeless due to my hormonal balance but I must say my skin texture has improved. I have lesser oily skin and lesser pimple growth. Okay, don't get me wrong. I am not advertising my online shop, Organic Suds. I just believe that if you want to start a business about a certain product, you must have tried and tested it first and you also must be the first one to give a testimony that it's really effective. Although, it's not 100% hiyang to all the buyers because some of them are allergic to certain natural ingredients.

So back to what I am saying... I will be selling AO and HHN products in St. Paul Manila on September 22 and 23. It will be a tiring day because I also have hospital duties on that day. So it's like I'll be selling first for the first few hours then proceed to the hospital to fulfill my duties as a nurse.

My parents and the boyfriend is asking me if my body can do those things... Because for sure, those two days would really be stressful. I told them that I just need to promote my business. It's a form of sacrifice for my business. Haha! But then why can't I do this to my thesis? Lol

So here's where I am supposed to promote...

If you want to try All Organics and Human Heart Nature products, you can check my Facebook page at http://facebook.com/organicsuds. And if you're a student of St. Paul Manila, I'll see you on Thursday and Friday. :)

A Little Thing Called Love

Did you have a major crush back in high school or college? Did you try keeping or "preserving" things he/she unintentionally gave you? Did you tell yourself, "Shocks! Ayoko nang maligo! Nagkadikitan kame!"? Did you try everything to get his number and phoned him without talking just to hear his voice? I bet most of you did...

Well, I am not an exception. Call me landi girl of the 21st century but I can't deny I had major crushes back in high school and college. I remember how kilig I am whenever I see my crush pass by. I sneaked and peeked at his classroom just to catch a glimpse of him. I studied so hard just for him to notice me. I tried everything to become pretty just to get at least a single compliment from him.

But just like what Adele mentioned in one of her songs, "sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead" I also felt disappointed and sad when I found out that my crush has a girlfriend. I would always say, "Masmatalino naman ako dyan!" because I know that that's the only thing that I am miles away ahead of her. I know I wasn't pretty back in college and high school because that's the time I had acne all over my face. I used to ask God why I wasn't as pretty as those head turner girls. I complained why I was just "all brains and no beauty"... In short, I was so conscious of myself because of my crush.

Two weeks ago, my sister asked me to watch this Thai film, A Little Thing Called Love, about a girl who had a major crush on a schoolmate. I just watched it yesterday and I thank my sister for recommending this film. It's a teenybopper movie that could actually touch your hearts especially if you've undergone the same thing. You can totally relate to this movie if you are/were head over heels over someone. This movie is all about the stages a person go through when she/he finally gets a crush, or starts to fall in love for the first time. Trust me, this movie is cute!

Having a crush/infatuation/feelings for someone is not wrong. It's fun, actually. It helps you in a way that you want to improve yourself more just to get noticed. But sometimes, it's better when that someone we like notices us for what or who we really are. I prefer being liked behind the mask or whatever I tried to put on just to show off. But then again, it's not wrong to prettify yourself. You still get the benefit of it at the end. Just make sure you don't overdo. :P

Note: The crush I am talking about is not the same person. Haha! But most of it is about this guy I used to crush back in college who is now on the billboards in Manila.

P.S.
I know you'll ask me what if that crush comes back into my life... Will I get kilig as well just like Nam? Of course, I'll definitely will... But for me, a crush is just a crush... It's nothing compared to true love which I have found already. :) *cheesy*

Sup, 2011.

I failed to post an obligatory year-ender yesterday because I was busy cooking food. So I'm gonna post some photos about my year 2010.

So I started my year with a cut on my abdomen because of my emergency operation in December 2009. How great is that? Despite the pain of my explore-lap cut, I managed to face the year with positivity.

A month after, I started my training in a private hospital. This is when my hectic schedule started. 16 hours duty every week to compensate with my MA classes. Despite the busy schedule, I was able to go out with my family and boyfriend and have some fun!



I was so stressed that I wanted my MA classes to end. Thank God, I ended the semester with good grades.



 

Summer wouldn't be complete without any family outing. We went to the overrated Water Camp with my family and boyfriend to celebrate my father's 53rd birthday.

 



 

In May, I was given a chance to write for a nursing magazine. I met one of the nursing leaders here in the Philippines. She inspired me a lot and I learned so many things from her.

 



 

Also, I got to hang-out with my online best friends.



 

June came and I was so happy to reunite with my high school friends. This is the first time I drank alcoholic beverages without my boyfriend. Hah! I don't really drink but I enjoyed this night!



 

In July, our practicum for our MA started.



 

Though this is my birthday month, my July 2010 was filled with sadness, grief, anger and other negative emotions because this was the month that I broke up with TJ. It was really the most difficult time for me this year. It was indeed painful.

 

But I guess, love conquers all... The day before my birthday, TJ surprised me with a boquet of pink roses (my favorite) and asked me to be his girlfriend again.

 



 

Also, this was the month that I bought myself a cellphone for the first time.

 



 

August came when I was called by the HR of the hospital where I underwent training. I passed the evaluation. So I started my August as a volunteer nurse. When you're a volunteer nurse in that hospital, that means you're only waiting for someone to resign and replace him/her. So yeah, there's a sure spot for me in this hospital.

 



 

September was another busy month for me. MA + hospital duties + online job... What is life...

 

Anyway, another get together with my HS friends but this time, I also got to see people I haven't seen in a long time.

 



 

October was TJ's month. So happy to celebrate it with him.

 



 

November was the first time we visited Tatay's grave as a whole family. This is the first time we went in the cemetery along with my father's brothers and sisters.

 



 



 

Another thing, this was a sad month for me and TJ because his mom and sister left for US. I cried during their despedida. I love TJ's mom because she treats me like her own, she was there for me when TJ and I broke up and she accepted me for who and what I am.

 



 

December is my second favorite month because of Christmas and our anniversary. TJ and I celebrated our anniversary for two days.  Knowing that TJ is not a camwhore as me, this is the only remembrance that I have for our anniversary. Loljk.

 



 

We ate at Shabu-Shabu with his dad as his despedida dinner for both of us. TJ's dad left for US (as well) last December 27.  I was touched when his dad called me "anak". I received a lot of bilins from him. They love their son so much that they wanted to make sure that I will take good care of TJ. Of course, I will. I always do, actually.

 

We went to the province to celebrate Christmas. I was expecting more food for Noche Buena but the only food we ate were baked macaroni and arroz caldo. We were all tired on December 24 because we helped in my tita's bakery. 24 sacks of loaf bread (that's like almost 3000 loaf breads) were sold out!

 



Of course, my sister will never leave the province without thrift shopping. Hehe!

 

One thing that made me happy this month was that I was told I was going to start my work as a staff nurse on January 16. Finally. What a great way to start 2011. :)

AND.... I am happy to say that I did not have any hospital or emergency room visits this year. ((I was admitted in the hospital every year from 2007 to 2009))That means, I was able to fulfill one of my resolutions for 2010: to be healthier. Yay! I still weigh 47 kilos though.

So yeah, that's about it. My 2010. Nothing really exciting... but I could say that this year was more productive than 2009. More ups and downs but I am glad I made it. I survived 2010!

Now, I am ready to face the challenges of 2011... Again.. with POSITIVITY!



This is me and the whole fam greeting you... Happy New Year guys!

What's in my bag?

I've always liked ((I don't know why!)) peeking inside someone's bag through what's-in-my-bag photos I see online. As much as I want to do that in real life, I just can't. I don't want to be accused of stealing. Hah! The latest bag I raided was my boyfriend's. Hehehe. So anyway, I just want to show you, What's in my bag. These are my must-haves whenever I go to work.

1. The JOTTER PAD. My friends know how I am addicted to notebooks and doodle pads (even though I don't have the talent in doodling). This is my latest purchase from National Bookstore. I like the texture of its paper. It's like Moleskine. The reason why I always bring notebooks with me wherever I go is because just in case I get into a light bulb moment, I'll be able to write them down and do something about it afterwards (probably when I get home)


2. Different pens. My boyfriend once asked me, "Bakit ang dami mong dalang ballpen? Nagagamit mo ba lahat yan?" Hahaha. I don't have an answer to that question. I just don't want myself running out of ink so I have a lot of reserves. Another thing, we use 3 colors of pens at work. Black - morning shift. Blue - evening shift. Red - night shift.


3. IDs - Those are my school and temporary hospital IDs. Lanyard is from Graphika Manila; arbored it from my sister.


4. Wallet - It's actually new. I got it from my aunt.


5. Umbrella - I don't like bringing nor using umbrella. But I have to.


6. Cellphone


7. Make-up kit - I really think it needs to get washed. Lol. We are required to wear light make-up at work so...


8. Hair accessories kit - Yeahh. I have a separate bag for this and I don't know why it's a lot bigger than my make-up kit. Haha. It contains hair clips, hair net, hair tie... you know those things.


9. Tumbler - I used to have this PINK tumbler but it melted because I thought I can use it with hot water too. Stupid much.


10. Emergency snacks, candies and coffee - Just in case I get sleepy and hungry at work.


11. Calculator - for calculating medications, IV rate and budget. Haha


12. Headset

So that's it, how about you? What's in your bag?

July, my birthday month.

A very unexpected thing happened on my birthday month. I lost my most precious gift from God. It saddens me that it happened days before my 25th birthday. What did I do? I don't deserve this. :(

It's so hard to deal with your life after losing a gift. It is so hard to accept that the gift you treasured the most will be taken away from your hands, from your life. There are times that I cry really hard as if I already lost hope but there are also times that I just smile and say I can do this. These mood swings are probably caused my oral contraceptive pills. Sigh.

But you know, to be honest, I still pray for a miracle. I believe in miracles, okay? I know God wants me to be stronger than what I am now. I know that God will give me back that gift. Probably God also wants to tell me that I have a beautiful life to live and that I shouldn't put it to waste by sulking in a corner. Yeah, I can do this. I really can. But please if you see me crying or whining or whatever, blame it on the OCPs.

Two

I thought my schedule at the ultrasound clinic today was 10 am. I went early so I wouldn't have to wait but unfortunately, the sonologist's schedule is at 2 pm. Before going home, I went to National Bookstore to buy the notebook I saw yesterday. It's plain and cute! So, I went home with a happy face.

Before 2 pm, I went back to the clinic and waited for the sonologist. She arrived 10 minutes after the clock struck two. Because I was able to reserve at a very early time, I was the first patient she attended. She asked me why do I need to undergo breast ultrasound. I told her that two years ago, I discovered a lump on my breast and my OB wants it to be monitored. This is the only time I've done my follow-up breast ultrasound since my first because I've been a negligent patient for the past year. She asked me about the location of the lump and I told her it's above my nipple area of my left breast.

She checked my right breast first. It is normal. She didn't find anything unusual. To my surprise, when she checked my left breast, she found a lump maybe an inch beside my nipple. It is ANOTHER lump. How should I know? I've been negligent. I don't even do monthly breast self examination despite my doctor's advice. The lump measures 10 x 9 x 7 mm. After that, she checked the lump I told her about. It is still there. It measures about 20 mm. And it has grown bigger.

At first, it didn't sink in but when she told me that maybe my OB will advise me to undergo biopsy or mammography I felt sad. Why does it always have to be me? I thought I'm okay. My ovaries are already fine according to my ultrasound yesterday. Why do I always have to suffer? I have done nothing wrong to people. I don't cheat, lie or steal from people. I don't curse anyone. Yeah. I criticize people but I am just telling the truth, okay? Again, why me? Why does it ALWAYS have to be me?

I know this is nothing serious. It's not malignant but what if my OB asks me to undergo operation again? This lumps are quite bothering for an adult woman like me. I remember what the sonologist told me, "Single ka pa ba? Kase syempre di maganda na may scar sa breasts." See? I mean, I know I am a nurse and I know about the interventions for the nursing diagnosis Disturbed Body Image... but it's different when you're the patient. I know I'm beautiful in my own way... But I'm just tired of getting scars all over my body. It's like from head to toe, I have scars. It's like I am a scarred person with a scarred heart. I'm just tired, okay? I'm tired of blogging about this. I'm tired of crying every single night about my health.

Who would faithfully love a scarred person like me? (But really, it's not only the scar...) Who would promise to take care of me forever when my parents are gone? Who would understand that I am sick every now and then? I do all the good things but why do I always get the bad things in life?

When June comes in...

Whenever the month of June arrives, I always feel excited about celebrating my birthday. My birthday is on July but I do get enthusiastic as early as June. But now, I don't know. The excitement suddenly turned into pressure. I'm turning 25 this year and I feel pressured about getting older.

When I was in high school and in college, I saw myself as a successful lady at the age of 25. I saw myself travelling and filling my closet with branded clothes and shoes. What happened? Why am I still here? Why am I still the old Xyla who dreams of becoming successful? Nothing changed. Nothing really changed.

In 5 years, I'm going to be 30 years old. And no, I won't let myself stay this way in 5 years. I have to do something. I really have to. Well actually, I know I am doing something. Maybe it's not really my time yet. But... when is really my time? I'm getting impatient!

On the lighter note, as part of growing up (LOL! Why did I just say this now?), I think I am already done with my digital scrapbooked layout phase. I suddenly fancy minimalistic themes for blogs. I have suddenly outgrown some kiddie stuff I fancy. Maybe I am really getting older. And... I just realized... maybe the pressure of getting older is normally part of the young adulthood stage.

Uhh. This entry is non-sense. I just wanted to say I have a new layout after a year.

A letter for Mama

Dear Mama,

There are a lot of things I want to thank you for but I know that I'd ran out of space and time, and even words, for you have done so much in my 24 (almost 25) years of existence.

You know ma, aside from the fact that I got this from papa's genes, you shouldn't have asked those people who wanted to carry me when I was still a baby to wash their hands with alcohol first before touching me. You see what happened? My skin is so sensitive now. You are too obsessive-compulsive with things that you even applied it to your kids. I remember when I helped you doing the laundry, you got mad because all the underwear are not arranged according to their sizes and color that you had to do everything all over again. You are so OC, ma! But I should be thankful for it because you made us feel how much you love us by protecting us from any harm and danger... and even from germs.

I don't have a single memory of the very first day I learned to walk but what I can remember is that you were there with papa to help me to stand up from the bed and to walk around the hospital room when I underwent operation last 2008 and 2009. You were the last person I saw and talked to before I was sent to the operating room. You told me to pray and ask God for guidance. You made me promise that I will wake up after the operation. You told me that I can do it... and that I will get through it. And I did.

After my operation, you took care of me as if I was someone who can't do self-care anymore. You helped me in taking a bath because I couldn't do it on my own even if I was embarrassed about you seeing me naked. I think the last time you did that for me was during my toddler days. It was totally embarrassing for me, but for you it was showing how much you care about me... A mother's love indeed.

When TJ and I broke up, you cried with me. You were hurt upon seeing your first daughter in so much pain. But you stayed strong for me so that you can give me the best advice that you can offer at that moment. You tried to be objective. You warned me. And I am sorry for not following you... For fighting for our relationship... but that's what you taught me, right? To fight for what I deserve and what I own.

When you were at my age, you already found your own job and was ready for getting married. I'm sorry if I wasn't like you when you were 24. I'm sorry that after 4 years, I am still very dependent on what you can provide me. But I thank you, Mama, for being so understanding and supportive in my plans and goals.

I promise you, Mama, that I will never fail you. I will be that person I've always aimed when I was in college. You will see me soaring high. You will watch me attain my goals and dreams. I will give you a grand daughter/son in case I can't bear more than one child because of my illness. I will bring back all the things you've done for me. In case you get sick (knock on wood three times), I will make sure that you'll be taken care of by the best nurses (of course, I am the best-est for you) and doctors in town. I will be very meticulous with the health care that they will render because you are my mother and I will protect you like how you protected me and my siblings...

I love you, mama. I don't always say that because I am not very open with my feelings for you and for papa. I even know how jealous you are because I am much sweeter with my boyfriend but I hope you feel that I am doing everything to make you proud because you deserve all the happiness in the world.

Love,

Xyla

P.S.

I promise to teach you how to use Facebook one of these days.

P.P.S. <-- highschool much!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY pala! =D

Traning and M.A.

Yes, I have decided to undergo the training. I told the nursing education coordinator about my case and they just said that if I know I can do it, then I should go for the training. I just told them that I'll not carry heavy things/patients or push wheelchairs.

Problem is... how can I handle this while I am attending my MA classes?  The schedule they gave me is from 3 pm to 11 pm. Since my MA classes are in conflict with my training schedule, they allowed me to have Sunday duties. I will be the only trainee on that day since regular training days are from Monday to Sunday. I have no training during Fridays and Saturdays to attend my classes in FEU. Thursdays would be very tiring because I have a class at 9 am to 12 noon then duty from 3 pm to 11 pm. No rest day. I will be working 7 days a week. =S

I know that the people concerned about my health is mad about my plans. My parents can't even decide for me... I don't know. I will try this new set-up and let's see how I can handle this. Wish me luck.

Wants vs Needs

It's not what you think.

Today was my first day at school this year. We only had reporting and I am wondering why in the world I am so drained after the class. I still have headache but I decided to blog because I want to let this out... This sadness and this confusion.

So while I was talking to my boyfriend over the phone while resting (I told him that I won't go online tonight because of my headache but here I am, blogging. He'd surely understand.), my mom butt in in our conversation and told me that the hospital where I was supposed to undergo training this month called. The start of our training is next week. Orientation on Wednesday.

My mom asked me if I think I could handle the training because this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. You know how hard it is to apply in a hospital. This is actually a pre-employment training and this is different from the previous trainings I have undergone for some reasons. She told me, "Kung kaya mo naman na, sayang naman kung ipopostpone mo ito. Para sana makapagtrabaho ka na..."

Everybody knows how much I want to work in the hospital. Everybody knows how dedicated I am in this field even though I feel like it's pushing me away because of these circumstances I am dealing with. I really, really want to undergo the training BUT it's been only a month when I underwent operation. I got traumatized with what have happened and I am scared of jeopardizing my health again.

I am crying while typing this because I really do not know what to do. I want to work... but I need to rest. I need to prioritize my health. I don't want another operation. I want to be healthy this year. I have neglected my doctor's health advice before and I don't want to do that again. I regret for being a stubborn "patient".

But... what about my dreams? What about my goals? I am turning 25 this year and look, I haven't achieved anything yet. I am still depending on my parents. I haven't bought anything for myself that I can be proud of. I haven't contributed anything to our monthly bills. I envy those people who have attained something at an early age. I want to be like that too. I really do.

Sigh. I can't decide. :( What to do?

First post for a new decade

EXPLORE LAPAROTOMY EVACUATION OF HEMOPERITONEUM (300cc), WELGE RESECTION OF OVARIAN CYSTS, RIGHT - That's what my medical certificate says. That is the operation they performed last December 22, 2009. Here's a little information about hemoperitoneum:

Hemoperitoneum (sometimes also hematoperitoneum) is the presence of blood in the peritoneal cavity. The blood accumulates in the space between the inner lining of the abdominal wall and the internal abdominal organs. Hemoperitoneum is generally classified as a surgical emergency; in most cases, urgent laparotomy is needed to identify and control the source of the bleeding. In selected cases, careful observation may be permissible. The abdominal cavity is highly distensible and may easily hold greater than five liters of blood, or more than the entire circulating blood volume for an average-sized individual. Therefore, large-scale or rapid blood loss into the abdomen will reliably induce hemorrhagic shock and may, untreated, rapidly lead to death.

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hemoperitoneum

Just reading the definition of hemoperitoneum makes me teary-eyed. I can't believe that until now, I am still in disbelief that this happened to me. On the other hand, I am grateful that I survived such near death experience like what I have blogged before.

Hmm, I don't want to make my first post of the year a sad entry so let's be optimistic here. :) I just shared what I have read from my medical certificate which I got this morning.

On the lighter note, I am currently getting addicted to a new show, Hawthorne. It's about the nurse's lives and how they deal with grumpy doctors and patients. It's good that they made a series for nurses.



Anyway, I've also heard that ABS-CBN made a series for nurses. I was actually expecting that it would be out last year. It stars Judy Ann Santos. I'll probably watch it too and see how Filipinos make/do series like those of in the USA.

And oh, since this is my first post of the year I'll be posting my resolutions that I wrote in my 2010 planner. :)

1. lesser internet time - this is really hard for me since I am an online addict.


2. be healthier - this has been my resolution every year. Haha!


3. write more meaningful entries - as always


4. learn something new - still can't think of anything right now


5. cook more - I'd love to learn how to bake this year :)


6. gain weight - because I ended the year weighing 95 lbs.


7. pamper myself more - because I'm always stressed and I often forget to get some beauty rest and pampering.

So there you go. :) Let's see how this year would turn out for me. I hope it's a good one. Happy New Year! (Yes, it's late.)

Happy New Year! :)

My 2009

Last year (2008), I told myself that I will do everything to be successful this year. It didn't happen though but I am still happy how  I was able to spend the whole year. I call my 2009 a PRODUCTIVE YEAR.

I may not have gotten a job yet in the hospital but at least, I was given a chance to be a volunteer nurse in a public hospital, which is a first time for me because I always "work" as a trainee in a private hospital. (February - May 2009)

By the time our contract as a volunteer nurse ended, I was able to get a job as a teacher for Korean students. It didn't last as well because I decided to quit to focus more on my master's class. Being a teacher to Koreans was helluva fun. I was able to see their culture and mingle with them and at the same time, I was able to share my Filipino traits with my Korean kids. I wonder how they are now. I miss those kids. (June - August 2009)

One thing I liked about this year is that I was able to go back to school. I met new friends, gained a lot of knowledge and learned more about my chosen field. I also get to learn more about being a good teacher. My favorite subject in my first semester as a master's degree candidate is our Instructional Supervision. Our professor truly touched my life as a person and as a teacher. I also learned how to work on my own now. Back in college, we were always given group tasks. Now, you have to work on your own  although I know how to work as an individual but this time I don't have subordinates (because I used to be a leader) whom I can ask for help. And oh, I am really happy that I got good grades. (June - October 2009)

I think one of the achievements I've gained this year is being one of the finalists in the Philippine Blog Awards 2009. I may not have grabbed a single award even though I was a finalist in four different categories but at least I was included in this contest as a finalist because not all bloggers are given an opportunity like this. I'm thinking about joining again next year. (October 2009)

Second semester is much more challenging because this is the start of our major subjects but I guess I can handle this because this is where I am more interested in. There are so many tasks to do and until now, I am trying to accomplish them all. I am enjoying it anyway so no complaints about this one. :) (November 2009 - December 2009)

In life, there would always be changes. And these changes would also help us to be strong. My December 2009 is the toughest month of all. I encountered personal problems that I thought I couldn't handle. I was able to get through those 18 days of sadness and longing. God is really good because He answered my prayer. I guess, God really gave my boyfriend to me because I told him that if he's not for me, then he wouldn't come back. But he did. This year is a tough year for both of us but I am glad we're ending this year TOGETHER.

I thought everything would end normally but something happened to me that's really unexpected. But because of this shocking event in my life, it made me stronger. It helped me to become a fighter. I thank God for giving me this kind of strength. And I also thank God that because of this emergency surgery, I felt how much I am loved and supported by the people around me, even those people I really do not know.

So many things happened this year. It is, indeed, my productive year but also a very, very challenging one that I was able to surpass.

Of sutures and healing wounds

Who would have thought that after a simple celebration of our 2nd anniversary, an unexpected twist in my life would happen? And who would have thought that I spent my Christmas eve in the hospital?

My cellphone's alarm woke me up at 3:30 am because I was going to attend Simbang Gabi. Although God has already answered my prayer, I still wanted to complete the Christmas novena because it's part of tradition and most importantly, it's part of my faith. So after making my coffee, I went upstairs to check my online accounts if there were any anniversary messages from friends and from my boyfriend. After logging out, I felt a sudden pain on the lower right quadrant of my abdomen but I was able to tolerate it so I just ignored. I thought it was just caused by the cold weather. While I was looking for something to wear in my closet, I felt the pain again. This time, it was a sharp shooting pain. I immediately went back to my bed. I prayed and told God that I wanted to complete the novena mass. To no avail  the pain didn't subside. It got really worse. I had no choice but turn off the lights to take a rest but still the pain was really intense. I was crying so loud. I couldn't take it anymore. So I got out of my room, knocked my parents' door and told them what was happening. My parents tried to calm me but it didn't help. I was shouting in the middle of 4 am-ish. "Pa, dalhin niyo na ako sa hospital. Please!" My parents prepared right away. My father had to carry me because I couldn't walk anymore. While waiting for them, I talked to God and said, "Lord, please. Wag naman po appendicitis ito. Please, Lord..." Suddenly, my vision became blurry. It was getting darker and darker.  I knew I was going to lose consciousness but I fought that aura.

Fast forward to the emergency room.

Regular emergency procedures were performed. It wasn't appendicitis because I didn't have other symptoms of appendicitis. It was, again, related to my endometriosis. The resident doctors called my Ob-Gyne to inform her what happened. After a couple of hours, she came and was surprised to see me again in that room because we were expecting to see each other in her clinic and not in an emergency room this month. She asked me to undergo an ultrasound just to check my ovaries and my uterus. She told me, "I hope this is nothing serious."

Fast forward to the Ultrasound Room.

The pain lessened. Thank God but I felt a sudden pain on my shoulders. I thought it was just because of how I was positioned during my ultrasound (pelvic area is elevated to be able to have a clearer view of the insides of the reproductive system). I couldn't understand what they were trying to talk about while checking my ovaries but I heard there were cysts, blood clots, series CBC and this term called, "hemorrhagic corpus luteum." I got really scared upon hearing the word hemorrhagic because it means there's a bleeding. My doctor decided to admit me to the hospital then. My doctor asked the other doctor who did the ultrasound to have another review of my ovaries. So I was sent to the delivery room first for observation if there's any progression of pain before another ultrasound.

When I was sent to the delivery room, I was asked to change my clothes into an operating/delivery room gown. I asked the nurse why I was there in the delivery room and what was going on. I was really inquisitive because I wanted to know what was happening. The pain on my abdomen lessened but the pain on my shoulders was still there that I decided to report it to the the residents on duty.

An IV line was inserted to my vein (Ohmy, it was so painful.) so that they could administer the medicines directly to my blood. Antibiotics here and there, interview every now and then, geez... I was getting impatient. I wanted to go out from that room and just take a rest at home since the pain was already subsiding.

After a few hours, I was sent back to the ultrasound room. When the doctor's assistant positioned me, my shoulders became verryyyy painful that I have to remove the pillow that she put below my pelvic area. I told her that I couldn't breath. She told me to relax first and we'll do  it again. But my shoulder pain was getting worse and worse. The resident who was with me asked me what was I feeling because she noticed that I keep moving my shoulders. When the doctor came in, they positioned me again and I started to cry out loud. It was so painful. I was shouting because of pain. It was really embarrassing to the other patients inside that room but what can I do, I couldn't tolerate it. The doctor did an abdominal ultrasound instead but it didn't give a clear view although the hemorrhagic corpus luteum was mentioned again. She advised the resident to call my doctor immediately and that she should decide on what to do with me right then and there. I was crying when they sent me back to the delivery room. I just sat on my bed and cried. Then I heard that my second CBC result came out. I heard there were changes in my hemoglobin but I couldn't understand because I was so scared. Then suddenly someone shouted, "Prepare for OR!" Omg. I didn't know if I was the patient they referring to.  I was just quiet, crying and praying.

After thirty minutes, my doctor came in and talked to me. She told me the bad news.  My ovarian cysts ruptured and the reason why I have shoulder pain is because I have an internal bleeding that needs to be attended immediately. The blood from my cysts already scattered and there were already blood clots in my abdomen. My hemoglobin was decreasing and if they didn't perform surgery right away, I could have lost a lot of blood. I cried to my doctor and told her that I will be undergoing my hospital training next month and that I have a lot of things to do for school. She calmed me and explained that my health is more important. That this is really serious. I asked her if my parents already knew about it but she told me that she haven't talked to them yet.

After 30 minutes of my preparation for the surgery and before I was sent to the operating room, I was able to talk to my mom. I saw her crying. She told me to fight and to pray. Because I am a crybaby, I couldn't help but cry. I tried not to look at my mom because I know how worried she was. It was like a dramatic scene in a telenovela. "Kayo na bahala sa anak ko ha," my mom told the nurses and the doctors while crying.

At the operating room, when I was transferred to the OR table, I kept on moving. My shoulders were really painful. The reason why it was painful because of positioning because of the scattered bleeding. I forgot the technical term but that's how  I understood it. The anesthesiologist asked my name but he kept on saying SONIA. The last thing I remember is telling him that Xyla is my name and not Sonia.

At the recovery room

I woke up with painful abdomen. I tried to touch it and once again, I felt that thick bandage. Just so you know, this is not my first operation. This is my second surgery regarding my ovarian cysts. The nurse, who was apparently my classmate back in college, asked me how I was feeling. I was so groggy that time and all I can remember is that they gave me 3 shots of pain reliever. And oh, I tried to move my legs and toes but it didn't because the anesthesia's effect had not subsided then. My entry about my first operation is just quite the same. It's just that this time, I also underwent blood transfusion.

After ____ hours, I was transferred to my room.  I saw my mom outside the room and I was surprised to see my boyfriend. Finally, I felt safe with my loved ones. Because seriously, when I was in the delivery room, I felt alone because relatives or companions weren't allowed to enter that room. Even though nurses and doctors were there, I still wanted my parents to be with me in such situation.

I wouldn't be narrating everything that happened after my operation. What I want to write now is how I felt about the whole thing. Seriously, I am still in disbelief that this happened again. Yes, I was told before that endometrial cysts are recurrent. They may go back anytime. I knew that I did nothing wrong and I asked God what have I done to undergo such circumstances. Yes, I really questioned God. I felt that it's wrong to question Him but I really don't know why this have to happen. Undergoing an operation is really traumatic. I had a hard time dealing with it the first time, why do I have to suffer again. But then again I know God has better plans for me. I know that He knows what is best for me. Maybe he thinks I am really that strong and He knows that I could handle this well. It just makes me sad that I wouldn't be able to join the next batch of trainees this January. My doctor told me to postpone my hospital training because I need at least one and a half month of rest and healing.

Yes, we spent our Christmas eve at the hospital. And although we weren't able to eat noche buena at home, I still feel happy. I remember I told my boyfriend last Monday that I really wish he could spend his Christmas eve with my family. And yes, it did happen. My siblings, grandmother, parents, boyfriend and our helpers were there yesterday. We ate noche buena at an earlier time at my hospital room just to be able to celebrate Christmas together. Although I was really envious of the foods they were eating (I only ate arroz caldo), I still felt happy that my family is complete, and that my boyfriend is with me and my family. I was able to see the brighter side of things after all.

I am not sure if I can call this my second life because I encountered near-death experiences before but I thank God for giving me another chance to live. My doctor told me that I lost a lot of blood that they had to transfuse blood. If my parents weren't able to rush me to the hospital immediately, there's no Xyla anymore. I wouldn't be writing this anymore. I really couldn't believe that I almost died. I was so happy with my boyfriend on our 2nd anniversary before that happened. I am really curious what message does God want to relay... But like what I said, the things I should do now are to accept and to trust God's plans.

2009 is a year that's full of challenges. I will end this year with a fresh wound but I know... I will start 2010 with a healing wound, literally and figuratively speaking.

Cash o Bigas. Bigas o Cash.

This is the Christmas outreach project of our parish church. They will be giving away 4 kilos of rice after Christmas for each unfortunate family near our area. They are accepting bags of rice or cash and those bags of rice are put in this thing called, "Kariton ng Buhay" that will be used for distributing the rice. ((This was probably influenced by the CNN Hero of the Year, Efren Penaflorida))

I feel fulfilled this Christmas season because our family was able to join this project. My parents bought not only a bag, but a sack of rice this morning. That's a total of 50 kilos. When my dad asked who wants to go with him to the church, I immediately volunteered because I want to do it myself to talk to whoever in the parish church. I was really hoping that I would be able to talk to a priest but since it is a Sunday, only a personnel in the office was there.

I went home really happy with what I and my family have done for this day, for this Christmas season. I hope others would participate as well. This happiness of helping others is an ultimate feeling that can never be exchanged by any priced material. Christmas season has always been about giving and not receiving. I hope that we don't only do this during this season but also for the whole year, if ever we are given a chance to do something for others.

How about you? What good deed have you done for this Christmas?

Goodbye, tatay

I just told my boyfriend the other day about my feelings when I saw tatay (my grand father) on bed with signs of enlarged abdomen, hand tremors and bed sores when we visited him last October 31. I tried to control my tears when I greeted him, "Tatay, andito na po kame..." I wasn't used to seeing him that way... I have always remembered Tatay who takes care of our old farm and hunts for whatever he could hunt in the field. Tatay is a very talkative person that sometimes it's irritating to hear but we just let it pass because he's our grand father.

When I saw him on bed, I knew that he won't make it until January 2010. I felt that he has only limited days to live. I never expected that he would leave us for good yesterday. Yeah, we were already prepared about his death but everything was just so fast. My aunt and uncle from the USA are already on the plane to see him and to be with him but tatay wasn't able to wait for them. I feel sadder for my other aunt who couldn't go home for some personal reasons. :(

My heart will always have a spot for the geriatric patients. Whenever I am assigned to an elderly patient, I can't help but be attached with them probably because I was never given an opportunity to bond with my grandparents. They live in the province while we live here in the metro. So whenever my old patients die, I feel sad... But nothing beats this sadness when it's your grandparent who died. I know that I am much closer with my old patients that I have no relation with but I still feel sadder because it's my father's father. It's my grandfather whom I never had the chance to bond with. So many what ifs going on my mind now...

Sigh. Wherever you are Tatay, I hope you are happy. At least, you can finally rest now. Your suffering has already ended. We will see you soon... at the right time. And when that time comes, I hope that we'll be closer this time...

Never a Loser.

I didn't win in the Philippine Blog Awards 2009. I was a finalist in 4 different categories but I didn't grab a single award... But it is OKAY. No hard feelings. Charge to experience, as they say. :)

There are 3 reasons why I am still happy:
1. It was my first time to attend an awards night. I felt left out though because most of the bloggers know each other but it's okay. I met some accommodating ones. :)
2. Andy Smith of Qtube, who is so damn hot, put his arms over my shoulder when we had our picture taken. Haha! I was so giddy! He's really nice and friendly. Yiee. Thanks, Andy. You're now included in my list of  celebrity crushes. Haha!
3. TJ was there to support me. Even though he's tired from his work (Yay for being hired!), he managed to travel from Makati to Quezon City to be there for me, to lift my spirits up, to hold my hands while I was nervous about the announcement of the winners and to make me happy in that unforgettable night. I thought he couldn't make it but he did. Thank you so much, love. Like what I said in my Tumblr entry, I may not have won in the competition but I still got my trophy and it's him. Well, the trophy idea came from Gervic, his bestfriend. Haha!

For me, not winning in this competition does NOT make me a loser. When I failed the NCLEX, I thought that I didn't only fail the test but also the people who expected so much from me. I learned a lot from that experience. So now, even though I didn't grab a single award, I know that I never failed anyone who expected me to win in this event. Being a finalist is already an achievement. There are so many Filipino bloggers around the world and my blog was  chosen to be one of the finalists - and that makes me oh-so lucky. As other people say, "better luck next time". This isn't my time yet. Maybe next year or maybe 2 years from now... We really do not know. What matters is that I have my family, TJ, friends and other supporters who believe in me. And that makes me a winner in their hearts. :)

P.S.

My blog was mispronounced twice. They pronounced it as nurse-cism. Let me clear that out... It's like NARCISSISM. Just replace NAR with NURSE. :)

4 Categories

Okay, so I've been plugging my blog for the past few days but I never really blogged about my feelings toward this competition especially now that I am included in 4 Categories: Best Personal Blog, National Blogger's Choice, Flippish Viewer's Choice and Top Ten Posts of the Year.

Honestly, I am anxious, flattered and excited at the same time. Of course, anxiety is always present in a competition. I feel anxious because I feel that I have this small chance of winning. My opponents are big timers and blog experts while I am  just a mere unemployed nurse who happen to have an interest in blogging, webdesigns, HTML and whatnot. You see, I really, really want to win in this blog awards because like what I said in my September 14 entry this is like a big thing for me as a small-time blogger. I didn't join this contest to be popular. The fact that I am seeing people in my web tracker google-ing  my name really scares the hell out of me. I actually hesitated in plugging my blog in Facebook because I really do not like my offline friends reading my blog. Unfortunately, I had to plug it because I want to win. I don't want to be hypocrite here. Who doesn't want to win in a competition like this?

Why do I feel flattered? When I asked for support in the National Blogger's Choice category, that's the time I discovered how I was able to leave a mark in my readers' hearts. I read touching entries  that made me teary-eyed. I can not believe this kind of support from them. I thought they were just doing this because I asked them to. I feel that just by reading their entries makes me a winner... maybe not in this competition but in my readers' hearts. Naks! I am so overwhelmed. I don't know how to thank them! I feel that saying thank you is not enough.

Of course, I feel excited because I am going to meet bloggers and attend an awards night for the first time. Win or lose, this is a great experience.  The mere fact that I was included as a finalist in those 4 categories is an achievement.

Win or lose, I would still continue what I am doing because this is what my heart and mind tell me to do. This is what I love doing. This is where I feel such fulfillment. This is where I get to express myself. And this is how I get to achieve my goal, to be able to inspire others in my own simple way.

Now, what should I wear on Friday? Hmmm...

Relief Operation

It was my first time to volunteer in a relief operation. I've always wanted to volunteer but I just don't know how to apply and go in their venues. Anyway, so when this typhoon Ondoy left a lot of mess, I looked for people who can come with me. I was so happy that my online friends also wanted to help so we decided to go. It was a very tiring experience but it was indeed all worth it. I opted to volunteer because I felt that I need to help in this kind of crisis. I don't have thousands or millions of money to donate but what I only have is my free service.

We went there at around 10 am. When we arrived at Balay Expo, Cubao, there were already many people packing the goodies, folding the clothes, passing the packed relief goods, offering drinks, and etc. We were assigned to the rice area where we packed sacks of rice into plastic bags. At first, it wasn't tiring. Although after a few hours, our hands were starting to numb. After packing the rice, we then transferred to another station.  I think that's the time when we felt tiredness. I felt back and neck pain but I tried to ignore it because  I was really having fun.

At around 4:30 pm, the organizers asked those who came early to go home and rest to give way for the other volunteers who were waiting outside. The place was already jam packed and they wanted to give the other volunteers a chance to pack the relief goods. After the announcement, we went to Gateway to eat then  we separated ways and went home afterward.

I feel so proud of myself for what I have done. Haha! It's just a small thing but I know it made a lot of difference. I wish to go back since classes are suspended until Saturday. I was actually happy to hear that news. It was a message that we could still volunteer in the next days. I hope more people would come. It would be fun... and most of all, fulfilling. =)