Two

I thought my schedule at the ultrasound clinic today was 10 am. I went early so I wouldn't have to wait but unfortunately, the sonologist's schedule is at 2 pm. Before going home, I went to National Bookstore to buy the notebook I saw yesterday. It's plain and cute! So, I went home with a happy face.

Before 2 pm, I went back to the clinic and waited for the sonologist. She arrived 10 minutes after the clock struck two. Because I was able to reserve at a very early time, I was the first patient she attended. She asked me why do I need to undergo breast ultrasound. I told her that two years ago, I discovered a lump on my breast and my OB wants it to be monitored. This is the only time I've done my follow-up breast ultrasound since my first because I've been a negligent patient for the past year. She asked me about the location of the lump and I told her it's above my nipple area of my left breast.

She checked my right breast first. It is normal. She didn't find anything unusual. To my surprise, when she checked my left breast, she found a lump maybe an inch beside my nipple. It is ANOTHER lump. How should I know? I've been negligent. I don't even do monthly breast self examination despite my doctor's advice. The lump measures 10 x 9 x 7 mm. After that, she checked the lump I told her about. It is still there. It measures about 20 mm. And it has grown bigger.

At first, it didn't sink in but when she told me that maybe my OB will advise me to undergo biopsy or mammography I felt sad. Why does it always have to be me? I thought I'm okay. My ovaries are already fine according to my ultrasound yesterday. Why do I always have to suffer? I have done nothing wrong to people. I don't cheat, lie or steal from people. I don't curse anyone. Yeah. I criticize people but I am just telling the truth, okay? Again, why me? Why does it ALWAYS have to be me?

I know this is nothing serious. It's not malignant but what if my OB asks me to undergo operation again? This lumps are quite bothering for an adult woman like me. I remember what the sonologist told me, "Single ka pa ba? Kase syempre di maganda na may scar sa breasts." See? I mean, I know I am a nurse and I know about the interventions for the nursing diagnosis Disturbed Body Image... but it's different when you're the patient. I know I'm beautiful in my own way... But I'm just tired of getting scars all over my body. It's like from head to toe, I have scars. It's like I am a scarred person with a scarred heart. I'm just tired, okay? I'm tired of blogging about this. I'm tired of crying every single night about my health.

Who would faithfully love a scarred person like me? (But really, it's not only the scar...) Who would promise to take care of me forever when my parents are gone? Who would understand that I am sick every now and then? I do all the good things but why do I always get the bad things in life?