Long VL Diaries: Day 2

Who would have thought that I'd be "re-living" my tambay days... Today, I stayed again in our house. Wow. Ang saya saya diba! *insert sarcasm here*

Today, I want to blog about one of the incidents that happened two weeks ago in our ward. This part of my entry may not be related  to my Day 2 of my long vacation leave but it is something that I was thinking about this afternoon. Being on a leave from the hospital doesn't only mean you're free from burnout but also you're free from demanding and stressful patient's relatives. I remember I posted a Facebook status about this:

Two weeks ago, a patient admitted from MS (one of the buildings in our hospital where all the suite rooms are located) transferred to our ward. Our ward has 3 semi-private rooms and 17 big private rooms. So if all rooms are vacated, we have a total of 29 patients compared to MS who only has a maximum of 11 patients because they only have 11 suite rooms per ward. Not only that, they don't get to experience a "full-packed" census. Most of their patients also have their own private duty nurses. So... are you getting my point? The nurses in MS is not as busy as the staff in our ward. I've heard that they sometimes get to have mani-pedi during their working hours or watch movies in their portable DVD player. In tagalog, sobrang swabe ang buhay nila dun. I don't have grudges or ill-feelings towards the staff nurses there. I just find them very, very lucky because they go home as if like they have just come out from the shower unlike us who are tired as fuck and who smells like poop.

So anyway, back to the story... that patient and her family was (or is... if they're still in our ward up to this moment; I have no updates) so demanding. You all know that the old people have a very special place in my heart. But that woman was just different. She sees us like a maid or worse a slave. I've never felt that she gave respect to any of us. During our endorsement, I was assigned to check the endorsing level of the patients' intravenous fluids (or dextrose in layman's term). It was my first time to interact with her... and she told me to stop what I am doing and accompany her to the CR. For your information, our "endorsement period" is very very important because that's the summary of what happened during the outgoing shift. As the incoming shift, it is a must to listen very carefully to every detail of the endorsement. I told her, "Lola, teka lang po kase nageendorsement pa po kame eh... Balikan na lang po kita..." I talked to her in a nice way but she shouted and me and demanded that I accompany her. I told her helper, "Ate, hindi mo po ba kayang samahan?" The helper replied, "Ayaw niya sa akin. Samahan mo na lang..." So I told the patient, "Lola teka... Tatawag ako ng sasama sayo..." And I went outside the room... I heard her shouting at me and saw her pointing her index finger at me when I closed the door.

During the endorsement, we were told that the patient and her family thinks that MS is like same as N5 (our ward). They don't know that every nurse assigned to them handles 20 or more patients in 8 hours. They were informed about it because we noticed their unreasonable demands but despite the orientation, the patient still asked one of our staff nurses to MASSAGE her hands. Like what the fuck. I don't remember seeing in my/our job description that it is our responsibility to massage any patient's body just because they want to. I mean we could do it if it's part of the doctor's orders... But if it's something that's not part of our task, that's just ridiculous. 

So that night, something happened. The patient's daughter called our charge nurse on the phone and kept shouting at her. Apparently, the patient CLAIMS that she was left unattended during her nebulization. She also CLAIMS that the nurse assigned to her said, "AY NAKALIMUTAN KO PONG PATAYIN YUN NEBULIZER." For the record, even if we actually forget one or two of our tasks because of loads of work, we will never ever tell our patient, "Nakalimutan ko po..." We know how to answer even if we're sometimes wrong. Hehe. Our charge nurse said, "Babalikan naman po nung assigned sa kanya na nurse. Nagkataon lang po na nasa kabilang pasyente pa po siya..." And the patient's daughter replied, "KUNG DI NIYO KAYA YUN TRABAHO NIYO, WAG NIYONG AKUHIN! I want every nurse on duty tonight be sanctioned for this incident!"

Whoaaaa. Miss, do you actually know what you're saying?! When we heard that, we didn't know how to react. Should we laugh about it or get mad? It was kind of insulting actually. We don't choose patients to handle. Whoever is assigned to us, whoever we admit... we have no choice but to take good care of them. We aren't even related to any of our patients but we provide care for them even if sometimes it's against our will. We make sure that they are always provided a comfortable and safe environment. We skip meals because of our patients. We sometimes forget that we have our own urinary bladder because we need to attend to their own needs. And yet, this is what we get from them. We don't expect any of our patients to appreciate us. We don't require them to give us a token of appreciation everytime we go in and out of their room. We just want to be respected like any other human being should get. We didn't study for 4 years to be belittled by anyone. 

This is sometimes the reason why I hate this job. I like providing care for my patients because it's fulfilling but  being treated that way is soooo out of the story. Someday, they'll realize what they have done to us.

Long VL Diaries: Day 1

Today, I woke up at 10 am. Ever since I started working in the hospital, I learned how to wake up later than 8 am. Usually, I wake up before 8 am. It's my body clock. It extended probably because of how tired I am at work.

Anyway, today isn't officially my vacation leave yet. It actually starts tomorrow but since today is the first day of February and I don't have work until the 19th, I'll count this as my Day 1. For some people who do not know yet, in our institution we are given 14 days of long vacation leave every year. That's part of the 36-38 (I'm not really sure with the number) leaves you can get in a year and that's different from emergency leave and sick leave. Huzzah!

For today, I originally planned to:

• 1030-1100 am: clean the bathroom
• 1100-1200 nn: errands, pay the bills, grocery shopping
• 1200-0130 pm:  watch Eat Bulaga (because I love that noon time show. Jose never fails to make me laugh!)
• 0130-0500 pm: thesis mode

I ended up with these activities:

• paid the bills
• grocery shopping
• biked around our subdivision
• cooked Tuna and Mushroom spaghetti
• stalked people online
• read blogs
• watched Eat Bulaga, Glee, and some other videos
• window shopping online
• eat, eat, eat
• hunt for food, then eat again
• chat with my friends.

I am afraid that in the next few days, I'll just end up living like a bum. I love it though. Less stress, less toxic. The only thing you want to think about is what to watch/eat next... Haha! Now, I am off to the thesis mode.

Let me leave you one of the undescribable conversations I had with one of my patients who has a liver cirrhosis.

Me: Ma'am... maglalabatiba (enema) po tayo ha para po sa procedure niyo tomorrow.

Patient: Padudumihin mo nanaman ako?

 Me: Opo ma'am... Kelangan po kase. Kailangan malinis bituka nyo bago yung colonoscopy nyo.

 *after defecating*

 Me: Ma'am.. Kamusta po pakiramdam?

Patient: Ahhhh.... Sarap dumumi!!!! Para akong nag-oorgasm!!!

Me: o_O 

January: The Intubation and Extubation Month

First of all, let me announce that last January 16 was my 1st year anniversary in the hospital where I am currently working. It's been a year of toxic and demanding work. I've learned a lot of things that I didn't learn in school. I've done little medication errors that fortunately did not jeopardize my patient's health. All in all, I've had more than 10 deaths I improved as a health care professional.

So... let me go back to my entry's title... On the very first day of this year, I had to go to work. I was scheduled to work on graveyard shift. We weren't supposed to be busy but surprisingly, two of our patients were hooked on a mechanical ventilator (a respirator in layman's term). On the second day of 2012, we intubated another patient. On the third day, we intubated another. We have had code blues from time to time. The environment in our ward was so stressful this month. The good thing is that when one is intubated, another patient is being extubated.

Whenever one of my patients is being extubated, it feels like I was able to fulfill my duty as a bedside nurse. It  shows that the patient's prognosis has improved and the medical management (please include the nursing interventions as well!) was effective. Seeing my patients, who were once dependent on a mechanical ventilator, breathing on a room air makes me happy; not only because my responsibilities (and rounds!) would be lessened but it also means that a life has been saved and that a person who was once struggling to live longer was given a chance to breathe independently.

But... The other night we had a different kind of extubation. It wasn't the kind of extubation that makes us happy and fulfilled. It was totally heartbreaking...

Two nights ago, we admitted a 40 year old patient who was announced as brain dead. There's nothing that the doctors could do but to wait for a miracle. The patient had a severe bleeding in the brain that lead her to comatose. She depends on mechanical ventilator to be able to get oxygen for her body and inotropics to increase her blood pressure. Based on our observation, we assumed that she and her husband had a fight before she lost consciousness. The husband kept on asking for forgiveness while crying. On Day 2 of her admission, no response from her was seen yet. In the afternoon, her blood pressure dropped to 60/40 until 40/20. The husband, together with his son and daughter, decided to let go of her. At first, they said that they just want all the medicines to be discontinued. But before our afternoon shift ended, they decided to end her suffering. They asked us if we could extubate her right at that moment. We called our medical resident on duty so that she would be able to explain to them the consequences of their request. At 11:00 pm, the husband said his goodbyes to his wife... Her son and daughter kissed her on the forehead and said, "Mahal na mahal ka namin, mama..." At 11:15 pm, the husband went out of the room because he didn't want to watch the extubation of his wife... I handed a pair of clean gloves to the patient's brother who decided to pull out the endotracheal tube. At 11:18 pm, I turned off the mechanical ventilator and the patient has been extubated.

I went out of the room immediately with teary eyes. It was a painful moment for everyone inside that room. In fact, as I am typing this entry, I still can't help but cry. Losing a loved one really hurts.... Let's not take those people important to us for granted. *wipes tears*

PhD, MSN, SPED

Yesterday, Brian and I talked about career advancement and professional growth. We discussed about the increasing number of MA students in school. Then we’ve jumped into a conclusion that BSN degree is not enough anymore. Well, that’s just us.

So, Brian and I aim to take Doctor of Nursing in the future. Just a goal, just a plan. If I get lucky to achieve it, then that would be awesome.

Then Nina and I also plan to take Special Education. I like SPED. I like dealing with special people. So again, this is another plan.

Then there’s Master of Science in Nursing. I really want to take this one but I plan to do this abroad. Some schools offer this in our country but I just want to take this in another country. Let’s see if I can achieve this goal too.

Guilty Nurse

As soon as the FX driver dropped me off at McDonald's P.Campa branch, I hurriedly went up the foot bridge to be able to pay my tuition fee before lunch break. At the foot bridge, I saw some people clamoring for help. I thought a crime happened in the middle of a hot humid day. Without a doubt, I went straight to the "scene" and there... I saw a woman in labor...

She was assisted by 3 people while others asked for help. Blood and amniotic fluid gushed from her private part. Her pair of shorts were actually wet from blood. Some people just watched the commotion  while others didn't care at all. I knew I have to do something. But... it's been years since I assisted in delivery. I was scared! I was afraid of doing harm! I was worried about my license getting revoked. I don't even have scissors nor alcohol with me to sterilize my hands since I don't bring gloves in ordinary days. I wanted to help. I watched the people if they are doing something to help. And so...

I immediately went down stairs to look for help. I looked for policemen because I always see policemen below that foot bridge. Then I saw a security guard and asked if there were any policemen around. "Kuya! May mga pulis ba dito? Kelangan ko ng tulong. May manganganak po sa overpass at kailangan po siyang dalhin kaagad sa hospital!" The security guard ignored me and just said, "tanungin mo na lang yung mga tambay dyan!" God, he doesn't even care! I went to the nearest barangay hall but no one is around too! I tried my best to help. But... it didn't work. :(  The last thing I know is that the woman was taken to the nearest hospital.

I entered the premises of FEU with guilt and worry. I was actually shaking as I entered the gate because of panic. I know I could have done something. I know I can't handle delivery just like that, like on the spot. I am not expert in labor and delivery. I actually hated  my Maternal and Child Nursing subject. And now, I feel guilty for not doing anything. :( I feel that I am not good enough. Like what if I am in an emergency situation again?

I always thought that I am a competitive nurse. But this afternoon, I felt like I am a dumb nurse. :(

I hope the baby and his/her mom are okay. Please help me pray for them.

An Hour with a Nurse Leader

I woke up from a text message this morning. It was from Dr. Leah Paquiz, founding president of Ang Nars Inc. and former president of Philippine Nurse's Association. She calls me by my other name which is a guy's name. She told me that she will be at the PNA office at 1 pm and we can do the interview today. I was still sleepy but I had to prepare myself for the interview. This is the only time we are both available and I can't let this pass. I texted my other co-writers about it and they both agreed to come with me since they also have their formulated questions for her.

Upon arriving at the PNA main office, I texted Ma'am Paquiz that we're already at the lobby. The guard pointed a woman in red from the parking lot and there I saw Ma'am Paquiz smiling at us.

"You're ____?" She asked.

"Yes, ma'am. ____ Xyla ma'am, " I replied.

"I thought you are a guy! Babae ka pala!" She said. I actually expected those words. People always think I am a guy whenever they see/read my whole name. I never used it as my nickname. I've always liked my name, Xyla.

So anyway, the interview went well. There were moments that I just kept silent because everything I would ask her always lead to her main answer, NO TO VOLUNTEERING. I told her that I've been a volunteer nurse for a couple of times and she told me that it's like I allow them to exploit me. I allow those hospitals to "rape" me. Dr. Paquiz fights for equal pay for equal work and service. She told us that this is nothing to do with her because at this point of her life, she's already satisfied from what she has achieved. She was just doing this to help us, her colleagues.

Her words pushed us to make a change for our fellow nurses. She motivated us to be assertive because our nursing schools failed us to teach about assertiveness. I salute her for her advocacy. Not all nurses are like her. She's really one of a kind. :)

I will never forget what she advised us: "Itaas mo ang propesyon mo. Huwag kayong magpaalila. Iba na ngayon. We are the modern Florence Nightingale."

Is it a good thing or a bad thing?

This morning, I was late for the endorsement. The IV nurse was already endorsing ICU 8 when I came. They normally start endorsing from ICU 9 to ICU 1. Since ICU 9 is vacant, they started the endorsement at ICU 8. So technically, I am not really that late.

After the endorsement, we, the trainees, together with the volunteers, waited for our patient assignment. But unexpectedly, the head nurse asked us to report about our patients yesterday. We were all surprised about the sudden "oral exam". We were already warned before that the head nurse would occasionally ask us about our patients but we didn't see it coming.

Anyway, I was able to answer his questions except for one. Why was D5NSS (5% Dextrose in normal saline solution) shifted to PNSS (plain normal saline solution)? Okay, I didn't know about that. I think I've heard about it during the endorsement but I couldn't remember it right at that moment. The answer was because the patient is already on soft diet. I honestly do not know the indications of the intravenous fluids that is why I am going to read about it later.

So after all of us have recited, he finally assigned us to our patients but in the middle of writing down our names to each patient on a piece of paper, he asked me a question that I never expected. I don't even know why he asked me that. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing. He only asked me and the other volunteer.

"Gusto mo ba dito sa ICU?" (Do you want to work here in the ICU?) The head nurse asked.

Of course, I answered YES! As in YES WITH MULTIPLE EXCLAMATION POINT! Haha.

I was thinking that maybe the staff nurses felt that I am hating the routine care but my co-trainees told me that maybe because they liked my performance. "Hindi ka naman tatanungin ng ganun kung tatamad tamad ka eh. Parang inoofferan ka nga e," my co-trainees told me. (He wouldn't ask you such question if you're showing them that you're too lazy to work. It's like they're offering you a slot.)

I told my mom about it and she said the same thing. I hope they'll hire me in the ICU despite what I've ranted in my previous entry.

ICU Nurse... Not?

Dear ICU Staff Nurses,

Just because I am not allowed to carry heavy things nor turn patients every 2 hours, doesn't mean I am not qualified as an ICU nurse. I know that part of the routine care is turning the patient but I don't think I cannot do the other nursing interventions.

In case you do not know yet, I've always wanted to work in an intensive care unit or a coronary care unit. I want challenges. I want practicing my critical thinking skills. If you think that my capacity is only in the wards, I respect that. But I just want you to know that I am the type of nurse who likes to be busy/toxic than to be bored. Yes, I hate the routine care but I believe that working in the ICU exposes me to different situations that I should learn for future use.

I really hope that my limitations because of my health wouldn't affect my performance evaluation. Please don't be too biased.

Love,

your trainee

Needs improvement

For the month of April, we, the trainees, are assigned in a special area for one month. As for me, I am assigned in the ICU. It's been years since I had my duty in an intensive care unit. Just so you know, it has always been my favorite area since my student nurse's days aside from the emergency room.

It's been two weeks since our first day in the ICU. I had to adjust for a bit because ICU's policy is far different from the ward. They are more strict when it comes to handling patients. I feel like a newbie despite my previous clinical experience.

This morning, my patient went almost on a hypovolemic shock. I didn't know what to do. All I did was refer, refer and refer. I felt that all the things I've learned in school were all gone. All I knew is that the patient was on a hypoxic state because her oxygen saturation reached 40%. Normally, it should be 95 percent and up. Thank God there were staff nurses to guide me.

I remember what our professor in Clinical Teaching asked us, "Are you competent enough to handle 4th year nursing students in an ICU setting?" I told our professor that I think I am competent enough to handle 4th year nursing students in the ward, but not in an ICU setting. I guess I answered it right. After my 8 hour duty today, I feel that I am still not competent to work alone as a staff nurse in the ICU, what more to handle students and to teach them what to do in a special area. I still need to learn. I still need to be trained if I want to be hired and to work in a special area like in the ICU. And yes, I am very much eager to learn new things because I admit that I am still in dire need of improvement.

I am still here.

It's been almost two months since I last posted here. Blame the very busy schedule. I think I was able to survive the month of February when my most dreaded schedule started. One and a half month of sleepless nights and stress. And here I am, still very tired and diagnosed with tonsillopharyngitis.

To tell you honestly, I am not enjoying my training in this private hospital. Maybe because I am tired of being just a trainee. For the past three years, I've been in and out of the hospital as a trainee and sometimes I feel embarrassed and/or humiliated whenever they ask me why I wasn't hired. For the past three years, I never knew anyone from the hospital. I don't have a "connection" with someone in the hospital. This time, I was very lucky to find one. But then, I am not the type of person who doesn't care about doing the job effectively just because I got in easily (as a trainee). Even though I don't like to work in the hospital for now as a trainee, I still continue to attend the training and try to make an impression because I don't want the "backer" to think that I don't deserve the position. And most of all, I am handling human beings and I don't want to jeopardize their lives just because I am incompetent.

I am really disappointed with some of my seniors because  I thought that since this is a private hospital, I'll be able to see/witness that the nursing procedures will be performed ideally than in the public hospital. Unfortunately, they do it wrong. They don't perform some of the procedures in an ideal way because one of their reasons is that they don't have much time. But when I try to observe them, they have a lot of time to chitchat with each other. How can that happen?

One time, a staff nurse asked me how do I take the pulse rate of the patient. I said that I do it in full minute when I have a lot of time. She told me that, "No, you can just do it in 15 seconds and multiply it by 4." Then I reasoned out, "I do that ma'am if I don't feel or hear any skipping beats but if there's a deviation from normal, I do it in full minute." She didn't reply after that.

One thing that discourages me from continuing is that they sometimes teach me the wrong thing and I have nothing to do but to follow them. I feel sad for the patients. I can't accept the fact that they think they are competent and they have the guts to teach me what to do with this and that when they don't really know what they are talking about.

Sigh. I really wish this training will end as soon as possible. I can't wait for April to end. And I can't wait for June to start because we will be having our Clinical Residency as our practicum in our MA. :) I feel excited more about it than my training.

Traning and M.A.

Yes, I have decided to undergo the training. I told the nursing education coordinator about my case and they just said that if I know I can do it, then I should go for the training. I just told them that I'll not carry heavy things/patients or push wheelchairs.

Problem is... how can I handle this while I am attending my MA classes?  The schedule they gave me is from 3 pm to 11 pm. Since my MA classes are in conflict with my training schedule, they allowed me to have Sunday duties. I will be the only trainee on that day since regular training days are from Monday to Sunday. I have no training during Fridays and Saturdays to attend my classes in FEU. Thursdays would be very tiring because I have a class at 9 am to 12 noon then duty from 3 pm to 11 pm. No rest day. I will be working 7 days a week. =S

I know that the people concerned about my health is mad about my plans. My parents can't even decide for me... I don't know. I will try this new set-up and let's see how I can handle this. Wish me luck.

Wants vs Needs

It's not what you think.

Today was my first day at school this year. We only had reporting and I am wondering why in the world I am so drained after the class. I still have headache but I decided to blog because I want to let this out... This sadness and this confusion.

So while I was talking to my boyfriend over the phone while resting (I told him that I won't go online tonight because of my headache but here I am, blogging. He'd surely understand.), my mom butt in in our conversation and told me that the hospital where I was supposed to undergo training this month called. The start of our training is next week. Orientation on Wednesday.

My mom asked me if I think I could handle the training because this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. You know how hard it is to apply in a hospital. This is actually a pre-employment training and this is different from the previous trainings I have undergone for some reasons. She told me, "Kung kaya mo naman na, sayang naman kung ipopostpone mo ito. Para sana makapagtrabaho ka na..."

Everybody knows how much I want to work in the hospital. Everybody knows how dedicated I am in this field even though I feel like it's pushing me away because of these circumstances I am dealing with. I really, really want to undergo the training BUT it's been only a month when I underwent operation. I got traumatized with what have happened and I am scared of jeopardizing my health again.

I am crying while typing this because I really do not know what to do. I want to work... but I need to rest. I need to prioritize my health. I don't want another operation. I want to be healthy this year. I have neglected my doctor's health advice before and I don't want to do that again. I regret for being a stubborn "patient".

But... what about my dreams? What about my goals? I am turning 25 this year and look, I haven't achieved anything yet. I am still depending on my parents. I haven't bought anything for myself that I can be proud of. I haven't contributed anything to our monthly bills. I envy those people who have attained something at an early age. I want to be like that too. I really do.

Sigh. I can't decide. :( What to do?

First post for a new decade

EXPLORE LAPAROTOMY EVACUATION OF HEMOPERITONEUM (300cc), WELGE RESECTION OF OVARIAN CYSTS, RIGHT - That's what my medical certificate says. That is the operation they performed last December 22, 2009. Here's a little information about hemoperitoneum:

Hemoperitoneum (sometimes also hematoperitoneum) is the presence of blood in the peritoneal cavity. The blood accumulates in the space between the inner lining of the abdominal wall and the internal abdominal organs. Hemoperitoneum is generally classified as a surgical emergency; in most cases, urgent laparotomy is needed to identify and control the source of the bleeding. In selected cases, careful observation may be permissible. The abdominal cavity is highly distensible and may easily hold greater than five liters of blood, or more than the entire circulating blood volume for an average-sized individual. Therefore, large-scale or rapid blood loss into the abdomen will reliably induce hemorrhagic shock and may, untreated, rapidly lead to death.

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hemoperitoneum

Just reading the definition of hemoperitoneum makes me teary-eyed. I can't believe that until now, I am still in disbelief that this happened to me. On the other hand, I am grateful that I survived such near death experience like what I have blogged before.

Hmm, I don't want to make my first post of the year a sad entry so let's be optimistic here. :) I just shared what I have read from my medical certificate which I got this morning.

On the lighter note, I am currently getting addicted to a new show, Hawthorne. It's about the nurse's lives and how they deal with grumpy doctors and patients. It's good that they made a series for nurses.



Anyway, I've also heard that ABS-CBN made a series for nurses. I was actually expecting that it would be out last year. It stars Judy Ann Santos. I'll probably watch it too and see how Filipinos make/do series like those of in the USA.

And oh, since this is my first post of the year I'll be posting my resolutions that I wrote in my 2010 planner. :)

1. lesser internet time - this is really hard for me since I am an online addict.


2. be healthier - this has been my resolution every year. Haha!


3. write more meaningful entries - as always


4. learn something new - still can't think of anything right now


5. cook more - I'd love to learn how to bake this year :)


6. gain weight - because I ended the year weighing 95 lbs.


7. pamper myself more - because I'm always stressed and I often forget to get some beauty rest and pampering.

So there you go. :) Let's see how this year would turn out for me. I hope it's a good one. Happy New Year! (Yes, it's late.)

My 2009

Last year (2008), I told myself that I will do everything to be successful this year. It didn't happen though but I am still happy how  I was able to spend the whole year. I call my 2009 a PRODUCTIVE YEAR.

I may not have gotten a job yet in the hospital but at least, I was given a chance to be a volunteer nurse in a public hospital, which is a first time for me because I always "work" as a trainee in a private hospital. (February - May 2009)

By the time our contract as a volunteer nurse ended, I was able to get a job as a teacher for Korean students. It didn't last as well because I decided to quit to focus more on my master's class. Being a teacher to Koreans was helluva fun. I was able to see their culture and mingle with them and at the same time, I was able to share my Filipino traits with my Korean kids. I wonder how they are now. I miss those kids. (June - August 2009)

One thing I liked about this year is that I was able to go back to school. I met new friends, gained a lot of knowledge and learned more about my chosen field. I also get to learn more about being a good teacher. My favorite subject in my first semester as a master's degree candidate is our Instructional Supervision. Our professor truly touched my life as a person and as a teacher. I also learned how to work on my own now. Back in college, we were always given group tasks. Now, you have to work on your own  although I know how to work as an individual but this time I don't have subordinates (because I used to be a leader) whom I can ask for help. And oh, I am really happy that I got good grades. (June - October 2009)

I think one of the achievements I've gained this year is being one of the finalists in the Philippine Blog Awards 2009. I may not have grabbed a single award even though I was a finalist in four different categories but at least I was included in this contest as a finalist because not all bloggers are given an opportunity like this. I'm thinking about joining again next year. (October 2009)

Second semester is much more challenging because this is the start of our major subjects but I guess I can handle this because this is where I am more interested in. There are so many tasks to do and until now, I am trying to accomplish them all. I am enjoying it anyway so no complaints about this one. :) (November 2009 - December 2009)

In life, there would always be changes. And these changes would also help us to be strong. My December 2009 is the toughest month of all. I encountered personal problems that I thought I couldn't handle. I was able to get through those 18 days of sadness and longing. God is really good because He answered my prayer. I guess, God really gave my boyfriend to me because I told him that if he's not for me, then he wouldn't come back. But he did. This year is a tough year for both of us but I am glad we're ending this year TOGETHER.

I thought everything would end normally but something happened to me that's really unexpected. But because of this shocking event in my life, it made me stronger. It helped me to become a fighter. I thank God for giving me this kind of strength. And I also thank God that because of this emergency surgery, I felt how much I am loved and supported by the people around me, even those people I really do not know.

So many things happened this year. It is, indeed, my productive year but also a very, very challenging one that I was able to surpass.

Blame stupidity for my hiatus.

I did something stupid that's why this site was gone for two weeks. I thank God for giving me the hint.

Anyway, my second semester has already started. I'm loving my subjects because they are very useful for my future career. Plus, they are really challenging and it requires hard work, critical thinking and analysis. My brain will definitely be exercised this semester.

On the other hand, I was told that I'm going to start another training (yes, training again) in another hospital. It's a paid training and it's a GRADED training because there's an assurance that they would hire us so we need to excel. I'm really excited about this.

Now, can I handle training + MA classes? Let's see.

First Day in Graduate School

I am back to being a freshman. And like any other freshmen, I had this sort of oh-no-what-should-I-expect-from-this-subject feeling on my first day in school. I enrolled by myself for graduate school so I had this feeling that I am just all alone. Remember your first day in school? Remember when you were a new student? You don't know anyone. You just sit there in a corner, waiting for someone to approach you or thinking about how to approach the person in front of you. I really don't like that feeling and fortunately, it didn't last until I saw a familiar face.

My old college classmate is enrolled in the same subjects that I am taking. We were both delighted to see each other again after all these years. And what made us more giddy is that we both experienced the same thing in the last three years: failures, rejections, and the like. It's nice to have someone who underwent the same experience as you did. It's like you found someone who could understand you because he or she had the same situation.

So, anyway, I attended my first day (or should I say night since it is a night class) in graduate school last Saturday. Our first subject was Statistics. That's my only class for that day but I decided to enroll another subject when I learned from my classmates that they have another subject on Saturday apart from Statistics. Since I'm free on Saturdays, I enrolled in the Pedagogy class. So starting tomorrow, I'll be attending two classes.

Yesterday, I attended another class, my Nursing Theory class. And I was like, "Oh no. Here we go again with the theories!" Our professor is old so we have to sit close to her because she speaks softly. When our class ended, she gave us topics that we will report next week. Grr. I hate reporting but I like the topic that was given to me. It's about Human to Human Relationship Model. It's about giving sympathy and empathy to our patients to be able to build a rapport with them. I think it's easy because as you all know, that is what I usually blog about here - treating the patients right.

So this is really it. I am back to school. I am working as a part-time English teacher. I wonder if I can handle this all... I hope so!

EENT

I am currently assigned in the EENT ward. So right now, I am adjusting from being busy to being super benign! I met new friends - new set of volunteers. As I've mentioned in my previous entry, I extended my contract for a month. Most of the nurses and supervisors ask me why did I have to extend my stay as a volunteer. I told them that I just need to be more productive this summer rather than stay at home and wait for the result of this volunteer thing.

Well, I don't have any "special" stories to share as of the moment because I don't find the ward very exciting. Haha! The only thing that I could say is that the supervisor and the staff nurses are really cool. They're fun to be with. I hope all the employees are like them. Hehe! But if everyone's nice, then there's no challenge, right?

Different Kind of Happiness

Isn't it amazing to see your patient from the ICU being transferred to the ward? No adjective can describe this kind of happiness I felt within when I saw two of my many patients in the ward. They survived the critical stage of their life.

They can now breathe by themselves. They can now communicate with us. You can now see them smiling... I can hear them calling me, nurse. God gave them another life to live. I am very, very happy.  :)

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Please vote for Earth against Global Warming on March 28, 8:30 to 9:30 pm. Let's all fight against Global Warming by switching our lights off on the said date and time. Let us all support the Earth Hour 2009.

Reasons...

We always say that everything happens for a reason. Yes, that is true. I certainly believe in that.

There must be a reason why my fate didn't happen like that of a 2-month-old child who died out of milk aspiration when we were still in the emergency room. There must be a reason why God took his life at a very early time. There must be a reason why He didn't answer the weeping mother's prayer.  He must have answered it but not the way she liked it to be answered.

There must be a reason why I survived from milk aspiration.

I was only days old when I suffered from aspiration as well. I am my mom's first child and because of lack of health teaching, she didn't know that it is not right to feed a baby while lying on bed. Good thing, my grandmother saw me. I was already literally blue - cyanotic. I already lacked oxygen. I was about to die. Thanks to my grandmother who was alert and knew what to do. Thanks to the doctors and nurses who attended on my emergency needs. And thanks to God for giving me a rocky yet wonderful life to live.

You know, I wasn't able to control my tears when the baby didn't make it. I cried. I really cried. I pity the baby. I also pity the mother. But like what everyone is saying, everything has a purpose. We may not know it for now but I am sure, we will understand it at the right time.

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I have a new layout. New layout for summer and my NURSECISSISM.COM blog's first anniversary on March 25. I have been working on this since forever and I just finished it now. Haha! Thanks to Shabbyprincess for the embellishments. Please check my resources page for the other sites.

Oh, ER!

Ever since we started our duty in ER, I had mixed emotions.

Anger - I am so pissed with some junior interns (clerks), staff nurses, and resident doctors. Just because it is a public hospital, the ideal procedures, rules and the like are not followed. There was this one pregnant patient who just came in who had a very high blood pressure. The relatives said that the amniotic sac ((a sac that is full of fluid, called amniotic fluid, in which the baby develops)) already ruptured. From what I've learned in school, once the amniotic sac ruptures, it is very important to attend to the patient. This is one of the signs that the baby will come out from the mother's womb. So I approached the ER clerks and resident doctors and told them about her case. That time, they were all so busy because a lady just gave birth in the ER. I insisted them to come and see the patient, at least one of them. I was so thankful that a clerk decided to attend the patient's needs... but after a minute or so, I was so disappointed of him. He told us, "matagal pa yan!" What?! This patient has gave birth for five times in the past years and the sac had already ruptured! Plus, she has a very high blood pressure that is very dangerous to her health. How come you'd react that way? I was so worried but I couldn't do anything... so I just waited... And then suddenly, I heard the residents shouting at the clerks... "Sino ito?! Anong ginagawa niya dito?!! Bakit di nyo sinabi!! BILISAN NYO! DALHIN NIYO NA SA DR ((delivery room))! G6 ((pregnant for 6 times)) na pala ito!! Ano ba! Bakit walang nagsabi!! Palabas na yung bata!!!" The next thing I know, I was running with the staff nurse, two clerks who kept shouting at the patient not to bear down and my co-volunteer while we were taking the patient on the stretcher to the DR. I could hear my heart beating rapidly. I was so mad! I did tell the clerk about the patient! And he just ignored it. Damn!

Grief - We had another patient this morning who just gave birth with a 5-month-fetus. It was a miscarriage. I saw the  fetus on the adult diaper. The fetus isn't fully developed yet so it was all bloody. I've seen aborted babies a couple of times but I couldn't help to get teary-eyed every time I see babies being aborted due to some unexpected circumstances. Then my co-volunteer heard the woman said to her husband, "Sorry, pa." =(

Another incident, a man had a silent heart attack. He just drunk alcohol the night before then the next day, he couldn't breathe and passed out. We were all wondering why the wife didn't look worried. We were so amazed that she stayed calm while watching her husband being revived through CPR ((cardiopulmonary resuscitation)). When the doctors tried to perform ECG, the machine just printed out a flat line. He's dead on arrival. And you know what happened? When the doctors told the wife that he's gone, she just shouted and cried. I assumed that she thought that they could still revive his husband. She was so crying out loud. I could feel the pain. She even shouted, "Ako yun may sakit eh!! Hindi ikaw! Bakit ikaw ang nauna?!! Bakit mo kame iniwan kaagad!!" I couldn't help but cry while watching a telenovela-like scenario. I controlled my tears but they just started rolling down my cheeks. Gosh, I hate scenarios like this!

Excitement - Thanks to some staff nurses who were so understanding and cooperative. =D They let us do some nursing procedures even if we were only told by the training officers to OBSERVE. They told us not to tell the "authorities" about violating the rules... Haha! XD  Of course, we wouldn't tell them. This is what we wanted in the first place! Act like a staff nurse! I just wish we won't get caught again. Hehehe!

We only have two days left in the ER. We will be rotated next week in another ward. I'll miss ER... everything about it - the mixed emotions, the thrill, and also the air-conditioned surrounding ((because the other wards are just using electric fans)).