Rest in Peace, Little Angel

As I expected, my life back in N5 is stressful yet fun. I don't miss the fast paced life in N5 but I did miss my workmates who crack jokes and "make fun" of each other every now and then. .

So anyway, I survived my first day as a charge nurse. I had 23 patients which means I had 23 patient's charts to read and review in 8 hours. As a night shift charge nurse, it is your task to review all the doctors' orders in the past 24 hours just to check if anything was missed. Unfortunately,  I wasn't able to finish everything. Bear with me, I am still adjusting.  On my second day as a charge nurse, I think I got the right technique. Thanks to one of my seniors Ma'am Aloha who taught me the faster way. :)

Last Wednesday, we admitted a young looking lady who seems like giving up anytime. I took her initial blood pressure and I got 70/40. I got curious about her case so I waited for the medical intern to finish taking the patient's medical history. To my surprise, the patient is only 16 years old and has ovarian cancer. Another thing that surprised me is that she already lost her ovaries at a very, very young age. Through my whole shift, I always obtain low blood pressure. The medical resident on duty already talked to the mom (I assume)and asked her if they want to be "aggressive". I heard things like, "So i-tutubo siya? Hindi ba mahihirapan yun bata nun?", "Anong mangyayari kung di kame pumayag?", etc.

For five days, the patient fought for her life until this morning, I learned that she already succumbed to cancer. My heart sank upon hearing the bad news. She's too young to die. I know that if she was given a chance to live longer, she would probably grow up to a very, very nice and sweet lady. 

To be honest, she's my favorite patient among those who were admitted in that wing (N5 ward is divided into two wings). She never complained anything except for the back pain when I raised her legs during her hypotension episodes. Other than that, she was quiet and very cooperative. Sadly, this young girl isn't aware of her illness despite the procedures and medical treatment she has gone through. 

I've had a number of "deaths" during my first year in the hospital but this death made a big impact to my life. First, I don't like seeing young people suffer from illness. We can go back to our memories during our childhood but we can never turn back the time and be a kid again. Having diagnosed of cancer deprives these kids to enjoy the normal childhood life. It breaks my heart to see a kid watching other kids playing outside through the window. And second, being diagnosed with endometriosis, I feel like I am not as lucky as any other woman who doesn't have any problems in getting pregnant. When I was diagnosed and have undergone two major operations in two consecutive years, I was warned about my future that I might not get pregnant. Through this innocent stranger, I realized that I am still blessed. At least, I still have my ovaries and that I can still get pregnant through fertility work ups. I thank God for that.

The best thing about being a nurse is that everyday you meet new people whom you never thought would touch your life and give you a life changing experience instead of you touching their hearts.

Thank you, little angel. May you rest in peace.

Long VL Diaries: Day 8

"Blame myself for being a Disney baby. I have always believed in fairy tales. I thought that any relationship could be like a princess meeting her Prince Charming and then they will live happily ever after. In a world filled with Expectations vs Reality scenarios, I was too focused on the expectations that I just disregarded what’s happening in the real world. I now realized that there are no princess and Prince Charming… Just only a girl and a boy meeting in a certain place at a certain time who are set to fall in love with each other and challenged to stay or survive in a relationship immersed in a sea of incompatibilities, temptations, sweet nothings, dreams and promises."

If you want to read the whole entry for my Day 8, please message me through this link

Long VL Diaries: Day 6

My skin asthma has gone wild today. Thanks to Alodia for the non-stop cuddling. Haha!

Note: To those who weren't able to read my previous entry, Alodia is the puppy (mixed Chowchow and Siberian Husky breed) that TJ entrusted me to take care of until God knows how long. 

Today, I spent almost my whole day cuddling and playing with Alodia. I thought I'd be on a leave for "making punas the pwet of my patients..." I never thought I'd be doing it while I'm on a vacay... to a puppy. Haha! This morning, I researched about things I should know when taking care of a puppy. In the afternoon, I bought more stuff for her. I already bought her a pack of tissue, dog food and milk yesterday when we went to SM North Edsa but I had the urge (blame the impulse shopping that runs through my vein) this afternoon to buy more... So I bought her wet wipes, Dentastix, and a cute PINK puppy bowl. Hehe! I wanted to buy her a cute ribbon as well but it's not available in the grocery. I'll probably get one for her when I visit a pet shop.

I am actually enjoying it despite the fact that I've never done this before. It's because of my skin asthma. I was diagnosed when I was seven and was advised to follow the prescribed diet and to avoid anything dusty and furry. And because I've learned to love and to treat Alodia like my own , I disregarded my allergologist's advice. I told myself, "Keri na ang allergies. May gamot naman!" Haha! Also, I was supposed to buy some stuff for my self-pampering but I ended up buying Alodia's needs. I remember what mama once told me, "Nung bata kayo... Kahit gusto ko bumili ng sapatos, tinitiis ko sarili ko kase alam kong may mas kelangan kayo kaysa sa sapatos na gusto kong bilhin.."

I realized that being a first time pet owner also partially trains me how to become a real mother in the future though I know that I don't have an assurance that I'll have my own baby because I'm suffering from endometriosis. Anyway, I am learning a lot from this.

Many thanks to TJ for allowing me to experience this.  I'm quite worried though because when the time comes that I have to return her to TJ, I might have a separation anxiety. As early as now, I am becoming emotionally attached to Alodia... And you know how much it hurts to say goodbye to someone you've learned to love. Since she's with me for now, I promised TJ that I will take good care of her and I will give her all the love that she deserves.

*Now off to applying anti-pruritic and anti-inflammatory cream for my allergies*

January: The Intubation and Extubation Month

First of all, let me announce that last January 16 was my 1st year anniversary in the hospital where I am currently working. It's been a year of toxic and demanding work. I've learned a lot of things that I didn't learn in school. I've done little medication errors that fortunately did not jeopardize my patient's health. All in all, I've had more than 10 deaths I improved as a health care professional.

So... let me go back to my entry's title... On the very first day of this year, I had to go to work. I was scheduled to work on graveyard shift. We weren't supposed to be busy but surprisingly, two of our patients were hooked on a mechanical ventilator (a respirator in layman's term). On the second day of 2012, we intubated another patient. On the third day, we intubated another. We have had code blues from time to time. The environment in our ward was so stressful this month. The good thing is that when one is intubated, another patient is being extubated.

Whenever one of my patients is being extubated, it feels like I was able to fulfill my duty as a bedside nurse. It  shows that the patient's prognosis has improved and the medical management (please include the nursing interventions as well!) was effective. Seeing my patients, who were once dependent on a mechanical ventilator, breathing on a room air makes me happy; not only because my responsibilities (and rounds!) would be lessened but it also means that a life has been saved and that a person who was once struggling to live longer was given a chance to breathe independently.

But... The other night we had a different kind of extubation. It wasn't the kind of extubation that makes us happy and fulfilled. It was totally heartbreaking...

Two nights ago, we admitted a 40 year old patient who was announced as brain dead. There's nothing that the doctors could do but to wait for a miracle. The patient had a severe bleeding in the brain that lead her to comatose. She depends on mechanical ventilator to be able to get oxygen for her body and inotropics to increase her blood pressure. Based on our observation, we assumed that she and her husband had a fight before she lost consciousness. The husband kept on asking for forgiveness while crying. On Day 2 of her admission, no response from her was seen yet. In the afternoon, her blood pressure dropped to 60/40 until 40/20. The husband, together with his son and daughter, decided to let go of her. At first, they said that they just want all the medicines to be discontinued. But before our afternoon shift ended, they decided to end her suffering. They asked us if we could extubate her right at that moment. We called our medical resident on duty so that she would be able to explain to them the consequences of their request. At 11:00 pm, the husband said his goodbyes to his wife... Her son and daughter kissed her on the forehead and said, "Mahal na mahal ka namin, mama..." At 11:15 pm, the husband went out of the room because he didn't want to watch the extubation of his wife... I handed a pair of clean gloves to the patient's brother who decided to pull out the endotracheal tube. At 11:18 pm, I turned off the mechanical ventilator and the patient has been extubated.

I went out of the room immediately with teary eyes. It was a painful moment for everyone inside that room. In fact, as I am typing this entry, I still can't help but cry. Losing a loved one really hurts.... Let's not take those people important to us for granted. *wipes tears*

Indescribable 2011

 



 

2011 has been the most difficult year for me. I have been through a lot of ups and downs. I actually ended my year with a broken heart. Well, life is really unfair. It depends on us how we're going to deal with it. I am proud to say that I have survived 2011. We know for a fact that some people end their lives during the holidays because of the holiday depression. I may have been depressed for the past couple of weeks but I choose to fight and to stand up again. It's a matter of facing all the challenges with a brave heart despite its brokenness.

This 2012, I plan to spend my time by doing the things I haven't done before or things I missed. I want to learn how to drive again. I plan to enroll in a music school to be able to pursue my dreams to perform in front of many people again. I also plan to improve myself physically, emotionally, professionally and spiritually. In short, I want to live my life to the fullest before the world ends. Haha!

I've read that for Ox people, 2012 will be a very difficult year for them for Ox and Dragon don't jive well. To be honest, until now... I still have a lot of fears and doubts. Maybe because I ended my year with an incomplete self. And like what I have mentioned on my Tumblr, I want to regain and reclaim what I have lost (ang fierce teh!).

Hopefully, this 2012... I will be able to write more meaningful posts. I missed writing nursecissism-like posts. I can't promise to write more but I will try my best to share meaningful and inspiring stories I see everyday. :)

Anyways, happy new year to my readers and followers. :)

Our food last night, and this morning... and lunchtime... and later at dinner. haha!

Happy New Year from my family! :)

 

 

A Little Thing Called Love

Did you have a major crush back in high school or college? Did you try keeping or "preserving" things he/she unintentionally gave you? Did you tell yourself, "Shocks! Ayoko nang maligo! Nagkadikitan kame!"? Did you try everything to get his number and phoned him without talking just to hear his voice? I bet most of you did...

Well, I am not an exception. Call me landi girl of the 21st century but I can't deny I had major crushes back in high school and college. I remember how kilig I am whenever I see my crush pass by. I sneaked and peeked at his classroom just to catch a glimpse of him. I studied so hard just for him to notice me. I tried everything to become pretty just to get at least a single compliment from him.

But just like what Adele mentioned in one of her songs, "sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead" I also felt disappointed and sad when I found out that my crush has a girlfriend. I would always say, "Masmatalino naman ako dyan!" because I know that that's the only thing that I am miles away ahead of her. I know I wasn't pretty back in college and high school because that's the time I had acne all over my face. I used to ask God why I wasn't as pretty as those head turner girls. I complained why I was just "all brains and no beauty"... In short, I was so conscious of myself because of my crush.

Two weeks ago, my sister asked me to watch this Thai film, A Little Thing Called Love, about a girl who had a major crush on a schoolmate. I just watched it yesterday and I thank my sister for recommending this film. It's a teenybopper movie that could actually touch your hearts especially if you've undergone the same thing. You can totally relate to this movie if you are/were head over heels over someone. This movie is all about the stages a person go through when she/he finally gets a crush, or starts to fall in love for the first time. Trust me, this movie is cute!

Having a crush/infatuation/feelings for someone is not wrong. It's fun, actually. It helps you in a way that you want to improve yourself more just to get noticed. But sometimes, it's better when that someone we like notices us for what or who we really are. I prefer being liked behind the mask or whatever I tried to put on just to show off. But then again, it's not wrong to prettify yourself. You still get the benefit of it at the end. Just make sure you don't overdo. :P

Note: The crush I am talking about is not the same person. Haha! But most of it is about this guy I used to crush back in college who is now on the billboards in Manila.

P.S.
I know you'll ask me what if that crush comes back into my life... Will I get kilig as well just like Nam? Of course, I'll definitely will... But for me, a crush is just a crush... It's nothing compared to true love which I have found already. :) *cheesy*

My first week as Staff Nurse

It's been a week since I started my work as staff nurse. I wanted to blog every single detail of my day but I always get home really tired. Thank God, it's my off today. I finally have the time to blog. Now let me post it in bullets.

• My patient died on my last day as a volunteer nurse. Another patient died on my first day as staff nurse. Now, the staff nurses call me RIP girl. They think I have a jinx. After my duty on my first day, I headed to church to pray and ask for guidance. I also asked God to stop the jinx just in case I have one.


• I realized the importance of volunteer and student nurses. They somehow helped me lessen my tasks in terms of taking the vital signs especially that during my shift (3 pm to 11 pm), we regularly do not have  a nursing aide.


• I have a new uniform. It's quite bigger than my size. I think I need to eat a lot. Haha!


• Since I am a staff nurse now, my meals are sometimes skipped. I eat dinner at a later time. I always bring cookies and biscuits with me so just in case I don't have time to eat dinner yet, I can munch while working.


• I now double check all the things I do and sign on the chart. It's all my responsibility now.


• I made a few mistakes but I'm learning.


• One mistake I did is that I charged (c/o pharmacy) a lot of IV antibiotics to my patients. The desired dose is 750 mg. I charged 1.5 grams. I was worried how I will be able to solve that problem since the pharmacist reprimanded our senior nurse about the number of medicines I charged. Thank God, I was able to think of a solution right away.


• I need to lengthen my patience more. People are just so demanding these past few days. I understand that they want the best for the patient but I really think it would be better if they calm down their voice.


• Some of the staff nurses call me "admitera". Whenever I am on duty, we admit 2 or more patients. The last time I was there, I admitted 5 patients. Wow. That was quite confusing actually.


• I go home at around 12 am. I need to plan more strategies how to accomplish all the tasks in 8 hours. Again, I am learning everyday.


• The only problem that I have now is my thesis. I have lesser time to work on it now. I can't concentrate when I am tired. Help me God.

Tomorrow is my 8th day. I still have more than 500 days of work to attend to to be able to start working as a clinical instructor. I can't wait.

Sup, 2011.

I failed to post an obligatory year-ender yesterday because I was busy cooking food. So I'm gonna post some photos about my year 2010.

So I started my year with a cut on my abdomen because of my emergency operation in December 2009. How great is that? Despite the pain of my explore-lap cut, I managed to face the year with positivity.

A month after, I started my training in a private hospital. This is when my hectic schedule started. 16 hours duty every week to compensate with my MA classes. Despite the busy schedule, I was able to go out with my family and boyfriend and have some fun!



I was so stressed that I wanted my MA classes to end. Thank God, I ended the semester with good grades.



 

Summer wouldn't be complete without any family outing. We went to the overrated Water Camp with my family and boyfriend to celebrate my father's 53rd birthday.

 



 

In May, I was given a chance to write for a nursing magazine. I met one of the nursing leaders here in the Philippines. She inspired me a lot and I learned so many things from her.

 



 

Also, I got to hang-out with my online best friends.



 

June came and I was so happy to reunite with my high school friends. This is the first time I drank alcoholic beverages without my boyfriend. Hah! I don't really drink but I enjoyed this night!



 

In July, our practicum for our MA started.



 

Though this is my birthday month, my July 2010 was filled with sadness, grief, anger and other negative emotions because this was the month that I broke up with TJ. It was really the most difficult time for me this year. It was indeed painful.

 

But I guess, love conquers all... The day before my birthday, TJ surprised me with a boquet of pink roses (my favorite) and asked me to be his girlfriend again.

 



 

Also, this was the month that I bought myself a cellphone for the first time.

 



 

August came when I was called by the HR of the hospital where I underwent training. I passed the evaluation. So I started my August as a volunteer nurse. When you're a volunteer nurse in that hospital, that means you're only waiting for someone to resign and replace him/her. So yeah, there's a sure spot for me in this hospital.

 



 

September was another busy month for me. MA + hospital duties + online job... What is life...

 

Anyway, another get together with my HS friends but this time, I also got to see people I haven't seen in a long time.

 



 

October was TJ's month. So happy to celebrate it with him.

 



 

November was the first time we visited Tatay's grave as a whole family. This is the first time we went in the cemetery along with my father's brothers and sisters.

 



 



 

Another thing, this was a sad month for me and TJ because his mom and sister left for US. I cried during their despedida. I love TJ's mom because she treats me like her own, she was there for me when TJ and I broke up and she accepted me for who and what I am.

 



 

December is my second favorite month because of Christmas and our anniversary. TJ and I celebrated our anniversary for two days.  Knowing that TJ is not a camwhore as me, this is the only remembrance that I have for our anniversary. Loljk.

 



 

We ate at Shabu-Shabu with his dad as his despedida dinner for both of us. TJ's dad left for US (as well) last December 27.  I was touched when his dad called me "anak". I received a lot of bilins from him. They love their son so much that they wanted to make sure that I will take good care of TJ. Of course, I will. I always do, actually.

 

We went to the province to celebrate Christmas. I was expecting more food for Noche Buena but the only food we ate were baked macaroni and arroz caldo. We were all tired on December 24 because we helped in my tita's bakery. 24 sacks of loaf bread (that's like almost 3000 loaf breads) were sold out!

 



Of course, my sister will never leave the province without thrift shopping. Hehe!

 

One thing that made me happy this month was that I was told I was going to start my work as a staff nurse on January 16. Finally. What a great way to start 2011. :)

AND.... I am happy to say that I did not have any hospital or emergency room visits this year. ((I was admitted in the hospital every year from 2007 to 2009))That means, I was able to fulfill one of my resolutions for 2010: to be healthier. Yay! I still weigh 47 kilos though.

So yeah, that's about it. My 2010. Nothing really exciting... but I could say that this year was more productive than 2009. More ups and downs but I am glad I made it. I survived 2010!

Now, I am ready to face the challenges of 2011... Again.. with POSITIVITY!



This is me and the whole fam greeting you... Happy New Year guys!

Patch Adams

I'm currently watching this film to get an inspiration for my thesis. You probably now have an idea about my topic. :)

See what no one else sees...

See what everyone else chooses not to see out of fear and conformity and laziness

See the whole world anew each day.

No, I am not going to post a review since I am still watching it (took a break to blog). I was just inspired by the last line in that scene. See the whole world anew each day. Win or lose, life must go on. Thank you guys for supporting me in the 2010 Philippine Blog Awards. I know I will not win again because I don't have a big fan base but that's okay... Like what I posted on my Facebook and Twitter account, I will continue blogging silently with a bang. :)

Gifts from Strangers

"Auntie, oh. Sa inyo na ito..."

My cousin, a nurse who worked in the hospital where I am currently in, used to say these words to my mom almost every day. When she was still living with us, she always had these goodies from random people. So when I was a kid, I always thought that being a nurse gives you the opportunity to bring home some random gifts/food. Well, kids do love gifts.

When I became a nurse, I realized that those gifts my cousin received from her patients were more than just a material thing. It's more of an appreciation from people whom you've helped. It's gratitude from people whom you're not related to but you still cared for. It's not the material thing... it's the feeling of being appreciated.

Lately, I've been getting food and fruits from one particular patient. She's very kind! I want her to be my grandmother! She's entertaining, generous and cute. Haha! But one thing that I like the most about her is that even though she's kind of rich, she didn't let me feel that I'm a low kind of person. Some rich people think that nurses are slaves. There's this one daughter of a patient who called for some help yesterday. I didn't get what she asked me and she just shouted "I know, I know! My gosh!!!" I felt humiliated at what she did. She shouldn't have said those words. She shouldn't have treated me like that. I may be a nurse who "makes punas punas the pwet of the patients" but I definitely do not deserve to be treated that way. You, patients and your relatives, owe the nurses a lot but we don't say that to you right in front of your faces because it is wrong. It is definitely wrong. Whatever we do FOR you is because it's part of our job, it is our task to save lives.

So anyway, let me go back to my story. I told a-ma (grandmother in Chinese) not to give me food anymore, but she insisted. Then she told me, "I really like the nurses in AM shift because they're kind and very caring to my husband." I felt flattered because she appreciates what I do, what we, nurses, do. She understands that I cannot be there for her husband all the time because I have other patients to attend to. Being appreciated inspires me to do my best and to work effectively and efficiently. But don't get me wrong, even if a patient or his/her relative doesn't appreciate what I do, I still make sure that I render the nursing care he/she deserves. Again, it is our task to save lives without discrimination, without favoring a patient more than the other.

This Christmas season, I want to thank those people who appreciate the nurses. It's not only about the gifts that you give... It's how you make us feel that somehow in our 8-hour shift, you value what we do for you without us, nurses, expecting in return.

Scared more than excited

M, my co-volunteer  in our area will start her work as a staff nurse on the 1st day of November. She's been a volunteer nurse for 5 months. As for me, I don't know yet though our head nurse asked me if I can wait till January.

My 2nd week in the area

I asked M her feelings about getting hired soon. She said, she's anxious and scared. I, too, feel the same way when I get hired. Compared to other jobs (correct me if I am wrong with this), being hired as a staff nurse takes a lot of responsibilities. It's not only our license that is at stake but also the lives of our patients. Whatever happens to our patients, we are responsible of it especially if it's something to do with our nursing care. We really should be careful of what we're doing to avoid errors. My problem is that I am sometimes forgetful! Lol. So what I do is that I jot down notes from time to time to remind me the things that I should refer/do.

I'm actually excited about getting hired as well for the obvious reason. Hello, I am 25 years old. I wasted 4 years of my life and now, finally... I see the light. Haha! But sometimes, this excitement fades away when our senior nurses talk about their first few weeks as a junior nurse. It sometimes scares the hell out of us. On the other hand, they give us words of encouragement. Like what my mom tells me, "If others can, why can't I?" My senior nurses survived those hell weeks of their lives, I also think that I could survive it. I know I will. I know I can.

Prayers for Stoinky

I grew up without any inclination to pets because of my skin asthma. My parents have to stay me away from puppies and dogs because I get allergic with their furs. We have pet dogs but I rarely feed or touch them because of my health. In my entire 25 years of existence, the only dog that I have caressed is Stoinky, TJ’s dog (a golden retriever).



TJ taught me how to caress her. At first, I was scared because she might bite me but she didn’t. She actually loved it. She is a very sweet dog that if she turns into a human, I really think that TJ will marry her. Haha! TJ has strong feelings for her like a dad to his own son. He described Stoinky’s love for him and his family as unconditional love. She was always there for him. He told me how funny Stoinky acts when she commits mistakes such as urinating in the wrong place (I witnessed this! It was really hilarious!). He also told me how Stoinky comforted him when he broke up with his first girlfriend and when he’s tired from work. When we watched Marley and Me, he was teary-eyed. He was actually more tear-eyed than me knowing that I cry easily with dramas and the like. He related his self to the movie that he often compares the movie with his own life with Stoinky. He just couldn’t imagine losing her.

Few days ago, Stoinky’s appetite gradually decreased. I felt how worried TJ was. I may not know the exact feeling of a worried pet owner but I do understand how he felt. Because of her persistent loss of appetite and weakness, she was brought to the hospital for further medical treatment. Stoinky was then diagnosed with liver disease and blood infection.  Her condition was critical but the vet thinks that there’s still a chance to survive. Up to this day, TJ prays hard and keeps his hopes up. Stoinky’s recovery was his only wish for his birthday this Friday. I know that she will be the only source of happiness on his special day. It saddens me that no matter how I try to comfort him, I don’t think it helps. I do understand it though. And because I love my boyfriend so much, I want him to be happy. So I am blogging this to ask help: to pray with us for the recovery of Stoinky and to ask God for strength and guidance for TJ and his family. It would really mean so much to me. Thank you.

Lost

Hello, World! I'm finally back to the blogging world. Apparently, the site went down for a couple of days. I wasn't able to retrieve the entries I posted for the month of August and September which explains my entry's title for today. Sigh. When will I ever learn?

Anyway, this month has been really busy for me. So many stuff to do at school, work and online job. I really lack sleep and I can't wait for this month to end so I can finally be stress-free temporarily. I still haven't decided yet if I will take the comprehensive exam next month for thesis. As you all know, I only have one semester left (if my thesis is that really good). The thing is, I still don't have a god concept for my thesis yet. I want it something related to stroke because I really like this topic and besides, I work in a medical ward where we have stroke patients most of the time.

Since we're talking about my MA life. I just want to share one incident with you. I remember what the chief nurse of FEU hospital told us during our practicum's orientation. Just because we are MA students, doesn't mean we know everything. I realized that her statement is really true when I made a mistake during my duty. I thought that if there's an insulin written on the standing order, you can administer it without referring the latest blood sugar level to the doctor. Little did I know, doctors can change the standing order of the patient's insulin after getting the latest result. Argh. Thank God, nothing serious happened to the patient. I realized that if I am not really sure about what I am doing, I should not hesitate to ask. Actually, I always ask the staff nurses when I am in doubt. It's just that during that time I thought I was doing the right thing.

That's the reason why I don't really brag about my MA degree because I still don't know everything in the hospital. I don't really tell people around that I am an MA student because I don't want them to think that I know a lot and I don't want them to expect a lot from me as well. Because even if I am one degree ahead of the staff nurses, I still have a lot to learn in the next days, months and years to come.

July, my birthday month.

A very unexpected thing happened on my birthday month. I lost my most precious gift from God. It saddens me that it happened days before my 25th birthday. What did I do? I don't deserve this. :(

It's so hard to deal with your life after losing a gift. It is so hard to accept that the gift you treasured the most will be taken away from your hands, from your life. There are times that I cry really hard as if I already lost hope but there are also times that I just smile and say I can do this. These mood swings are probably caused my oral contraceptive pills. Sigh.

But you know, to be honest, I still pray for a miracle. I believe in miracles, okay? I know God wants me to be stronger than what I am now. I know that God will give me back that gift. Probably God also wants to tell me that I have a beautiful life to live and that I shouldn't put it to waste by sulking in a corner. Yeah, I can do this. I really can. But please if you see me crying or whining or whatever, blame it on the OCPs.

One Sunday Morning: a true story

It was Sunday. I woke up early to hear Mass. It’s been three weeks since I last went to the church because of my busy schedule.

The church was full of people. I remember the priest once said, “Next Sunday, I want new faces inside this church. I want all of you to invite at least one person every Sunday.” I guess, people followed.

I sat in the middle because I think that’s the most quiet area of the church. I easily get irritated with people who do not respect the mass and the people who are there to solemnly pray.

So anyway, in front of me was a familiar face. I knew I met this old lady somewhere but I had a hard time recalling when and where I met her. I thought maybe she was a patient of mine. She was wearing an all black attire. I assumed that the two people she was with was her daughter and her grand son.

During the communion, I finally saw the whole face of the old lady and right then and there, I remembered where I met her. She’s a church “seat mate”. I always sit right next to her and her husband. And now, I think her husband’s gone.

Now I know why she’s wearing an all black attire and maybe that’s the reason why she wore a gloomy face. Believe it or not, I got teary-eyed. I felt sad because I spent 1 hour every Sunday for almost a year with these old couple but now, I felt the incompleteness in her.

I like seeing old couples who still do things together because there are other couples who have grown apart as time passed by. I don’t want the latter to happen to me and my future husband. I want to be like those old couples who inspired me and made me believe that the Grow Old With You song is true. But what scares me the most is losing your other half that you promised to love for the rest of your life. But that’s life, people come and go.

Little Things Matter

Little things matter :) from Ian Traqueña on Vimeo.

This is a very nice video and I hope you'd learn from it and get to appreciate life more. I posted this on almost all of my online accounts. This is a video made by my sister's classmates for their ad campaign.

My 2009

Last year (2008), I told myself that I will do everything to be successful this year. It didn't happen though but I am still happy how  I was able to spend the whole year. I call my 2009 a PRODUCTIVE YEAR.

I may not have gotten a job yet in the hospital but at least, I was given a chance to be a volunteer nurse in a public hospital, which is a first time for me because I always "work" as a trainee in a private hospital. (February - May 2009)

By the time our contract as a volunteer nurse ended, I was able to get a job as a teacher for Korean students. It didn't last as well because I decided to quit to focus more on my master's class. Being a teacher to Koreans was helluva fun. I was able to see their culture and mingle with them and at the same time, I was able to share my Filipino traits with my Korean kids. I wonder how they are now. I miss those kids. (June - August 2009)

One thing I liked about this year is that I was able to go back to school. I met new friends, gained a lot of knowledge and learned more about my chosen field. I also get to learn more about being a good teacher. My favorite subject in my first semester as a master's degree candidate is our Instructional Supervision. Our professor truly touched my life as a person and as a teacher. I also learned how to work on my own now. Back in college, we were always given group tasks. Now, you have to work on your own  although I know how to work as an individual but this time I don't have subordinates (because I used to be a leader) whom I can ask for help. And oh, I am really happy that I got good grades. (June - October 2009)

I think one of the achievements I've gained this year is being one of the finalists in the Philippine Blog Awards 2009. I may not have grabbed a single award even though I was a finalist in four different categories but at least I was included in this contest as a finalist because not all bloggers are given an opportunity like this. I'm thinking about joining again next year. (October 2009)

Second semester is much more challenging because this is the start of our major subjects but I guess I can handle this because this is where I am more interested in. There are so many tasks to do and until now, I am trying to accomplish them all. I am enjoying it anyway so no complaints about this one. :) (November 2009 - December 2009)

In life, there would always be changes. And these changes would also help us to be strong. My December 2009 is the toughest month of all. I encountered personal problems that I thought I couldn't handle. I was able to get through those 18 days of sadness and longing. God is really good because He answered my prayer. I guess, God really gave my boyfriend to me because I told him that if he's not for me, then he wouldn't come back. But he did. This year is a tough year for both of us but I am glad we're ending this year TOGETHER.

I thought everything would end normally but something happened to me that's really unexpected. But because of this shocking event in my life, it made me stronger. It helped me to become a fighter. I thank God for giving me this kind of strength. And I also thank God that because of this emergency surgery, I felt how much I am loved and supported by the people around me, even those people I really do not know.

So many things happened this year. It is, indeed, my productive year but also a very, very challenging one that I was able to surpass.

Of sutures and healing wounds

Who would have thought that after a simple celebration of our 2nd anniversary, an unexpected twist in my life would happen? And who would have thought that I spent my Christmas eve in the hospital?

My cellphone's alarm woke me up at 3:30 am because I was going to attend Simbang Gabi. Although God has already answered my prayer, I still wanted to complete the Christmas novena because it's part of tradition and most importantly, it's part of my faith. So after making my coffee, I went upstairs to check my online accounts if there were any anniversary messages from friends and from my boyfriend. After logging out, I felt a sudden pain on the lower right quadrant of my abdomen but I was able to tolerate it so I just ignored. I thought it was just caused by the cold weather. While I was looking for something to wear in my closet, I felt the pain again. This time, it was a sharp shooting pain. I immediately went back to my bed. I prayed and told God that I wanted to complete the novena mass. To no avail  the pain didn't subside. It got really worse. I had no choice but turn off the lights to take a rest but still the pain was really intense. I was crying so loud. I couldn't take it anymore. So I got out of my room, knocked my parents' door and told them what was happening. My parents tried to calm me but it didn't help. I was shouting in the middle of 4 am-ish. "Pa, dalhin niyo na ako sa hospital. Please!" My parents prepared right away. My father had to carry me because I couldn't walk anymore. While waiting for them, I talked to God and said, "Lord, please. Wag naman po appendicitis ito. Please, Lord..." Suddenly, my vision became blurry. It was getting darker and darker.  I knew I was going to lose consciousness but I fought that aura.

Fast forward to the emergency room.

Regular emergency procedures were performed. It wasn't appendicitis because I didn't have other symptoms of appendicitis. It was, again, related to my endometriosis. The resident doctors called my Ob-Gyne to inform her what happened. After a couple of hours, she came and was surprised to see me again in that room because we were expecting to see each other in her clinic and not in an emergency room this month. She asked me to undergo an ultrasound just to check my ovaries and my uterus. She told me, "I hope this is nothing serious."

Fast forward to the Ultrasound Room.

The pain lessened. Thank God but I felt a sudden pain on my shoulders. I thought it was just because of how I was positioned during my ultrasound (pelvic area is elevated to be able to have a clearer view of the insides of the reproductive system). I couldn't understand what they were trying to talk about while checking my ovaries but I heard there were cysts, blood clots, series CBC and this term called, "hemorrhagic corpus luteum." I got really scared upon hearing the word hemorrhagic because it means there's a bleeding. My doctor decided to admit me to the hospital then. My doctor asked the other doctor who did the ultrasound to have another review of my ovaries. So I was sent to the delivery room first for observation if there's any progression of pain before another ultrasound.

When I was sent to the delivery room, I was asked to change my clothes into an operating/delivery room gown. I asked the nurse why I was there in the delivery room and what was going on. I was really inquisitive because I wanted to know what was happening. The pain on my abdomen lessened but the pain on my shoulders was still there that I decided to report it to the the residents on duty.

An IV line was inserted to my vein (Ohmy, it was so painful.) so that they could administer the medicines directly to my blood. Antibiotics here and there, interview every now and then, geez... I was getting impatient. I wanted to go out from that room and just take a rest at home since the pain was already subsiding.

After a few hours, I was sent back to the ultrasound room. When the doctor's assistant positioned me, my shoulders became verryyyy painful that I have to remove the pillow that she put below my pelvic area. I told her that I couldn't breath. She told me to relax first and we'll do  it again. But my shoulder pain was getting worse and worse. The resident who was with me asked me what was I feeling because she noticed that I keep moving my shoulders. When the doctor came in, they positioned me again and I started to cry out loud. It was so painful. I was shouting because of pain. It was really embarrassing to the other patients inside that room but what can I do, I couldn't tolerate it. The doctor did an abdominal ultrasound instead but it didn't give a clear view although the hemorrhagic corpus luteum was mentioned again. She advised the resident to call my doctor immediately and that she should decide on what to do with me right then and there. I was crying when they sent me back to the delivery room. I just sat on my bed and cried. Then I heard that my second CBC result came out. I heard there were changes in my hemoglobin but I couldn't understand because I was so scared. Then suddenly someone shouted, "Prepare for OR!" Omg. I didn't know if I was the patient they referring to.  I was just quiet, crying and praying.

After thirty minutes, my doctor came in and talked to me. She told me the bad news.  My ovarian cysts ruptured and the reason why I have shoulder pain is because I have an internal bleeding that needs to be attended immediately. The blood from my cysts already scattered and there were already blood clots in my abdomen. My hemoglobin was decreasing and if they didn't perform surgery right away, I could have lost a lot of blood. I cried to my doctor and told her that I will be undergoing my hospital training next month and that I have a lot of things to do for school. She calmed me and explained that my health is more important. That this is really serious. I asked her if my parents already knew about it but she told me that she haven't talked to them yet.

After 30 minutes of my preparation for the surgery and before I was sent to the operating room, I was able to talk to my mom. I saw her crying. She told me to fight and to pray. Because I am a crybaby, I couldn't help but cry. I tried not to look at my mom because I know how worried she was. It was like a dramatic scene in a telenovela. "Kayo na bahala sa anak ko ha," my mom told the nurses and the doctors while crying.

At the operating room, when I was transferred to the OR table, I kept on moving. My shoulders were really painful. The reason why it was painful because of positioning because of the scattered bleeding. I forgot the technical term but that's how  I understood it. The anesthesiologist asked my name but he kept on saying SONIA. The last thing I remember is telling him that Xyla is my name and not Sonia.

At the recovery room

I woke up with painful abdomen. I tried to touch it and once again, I felt that thick bandage. Just so you know, this is not my first operation. This is my second surgery regarding my ovarian cysts. The nurse, who was apparently my classmate back in college, asked me how I was feeling. I was so groggy that time and all I can remember is that they gave me 3 shots of pain reliever. And oh, I tried to move my legs and toes but it didn't because the anesthesia's effect had not subsided then. My entry about my first operation is just quite the same. It's just that this time, I also underwent blood transfusion.

After ____ hours, I was transferred to my room.  I saw my mom outside the room and I was surprised to see my boyfriend. Finally, I felt safe with my loved ones. Because seriously, when I was in the delivery room, I felt alone because relatives or companions weren't allowed to enter that room. Even though nurses and doctors were there, I still wanted my parents to be with me in such situation.

I wouldn't be narrating everything that happened after my operation. What I want to write now is how I felt about the whole thing. Seriously, I am still in disbelief that this happened again. Yes, I was told before that endometrial cysts are recurrent. They may go back anytime. I knew that I did nothing wrong and I asked God what have I done to undergo such circumstances. Yes, I really questioned God. I felt that it's wrong to question Him but I really don't know why this have to happen. Undergoing an operation is really traumatic. I had a hard time dealing with it the first time, why do I have to suffer again. But then again I know God has better plans for me. I know that He knows what is best for me. Maybe he thinks I am really that strong and He knows that I could handle this well. It just makes me sad that I wouldn't be able to join the next batch of trainees this January. My doctor told me to postpone my hospital training because I need at least one and a half month of rest and healing.

Yes, we spent our Christmas eve at the hospital. And although we weren't able to eat noche buena at home, I still feel happy. I remember I told my boyfriend last Monday that I really wish he could spend his Christmas eve with my family. And yes, it did happen. My siblings, grandmother, parents, boyfriend and our helpers were there yesterday. We ate noche buena at an earlier time at my hospital room just to be able to celebrate Christmas together. Although I was really envious of the foods they were eating (I only ate arroz caldo), I still felt happy that my family is complete, and that my boyfriend is with me and my family. I was able to see the brighter side of things after all.

I am not sure if I can call this my second life because I encountered near-death experiences before but I thank God for giving me another chance to live. My doctor told me that I lost a lot of blood that they had to transfuse blood. If my parents weren't able to rush me to the hospital immediately, there's no Xyla anymore. I wouldn't be writing this anymore. I really couldn't believe that I almost died. I was so happy with my boyfriend on our 2nd anniversary before that happened. I am really curious what message does God want to relay... But like what I said, the things I should do now are to accept and to trust God's plans.

2009 is a year that's full of challenges. I will end this year with a fresh wound but I know... I will start 2010 with a healing wound, literally and figuratively speaking.

Cash o Bigas. Bigas o Cash.

This is the Christmas outreach project of our parish church. They will be giving away 4 kilos of rice after Christmas for each unfortunate family near our area. They are accepting bags of rice or cash and those bags of rice are put in this thing called, "Kariton ng Buhay" that will be used for distributing the rice. ((This was probably influenced by the CNN Hero of the Year, Efren Penaflorida))

I feel fulfilled this Christmas season because our family was able to join this project. My parents bought not only a bag, but a sack of rice this morning. That's a total of 50 kilos. When my dad asked who wants to go with him to the church, I immediately volunteered because I want to do it myself to talk to whoever in the parish church. I was really hoping that I would be able to talk to a priest but since it is a Sunday, only a personnel in the office was there.

I went home really happy with what I and my family have done for this day, for this Christmas season. I hope others would participate as well. This happiness of helping others is an ultimate feeling that can never be exchanged by any priced material. Christmas season has always been about giving and not receiving. I hope that we don't only do this during this season but also for the whole year, if ever we are given a chance to do something for others.

How about you? What good deed have you done for this Christmas?

Their lives

Are there any instances that whenever you encounter strangers you wonder what kind of circumstances are they going through? Are they happy in their lives? Are they having problems they can't solve? Are you much more blessed than them?

I watched something in this certain film/TV show (I forgot what it is) that if you want to write a novel or a story, you have to observe the people around you and wonder what's going on in their lives just to be able to conceptualize a character or a story. I actually followed that advice from that film/TV show... I wasn't able to write though but I became really observant with the people around me.

What's my point here? Sometimes, we complain about our own lives that lead other people from committing suicide. We think that God doesn't love us and we are just being punished... But have you ever thought that those people around you have more difficult problems to solve? Have you ever thought that you are actually luckier and more blessed but you just overlooked at that fact because you focused so much on the negative side? Have you ever thought that you might be missing all the fun in your life because you're dwelling too much on pessimism?

Ask yourself. It's you who can only answer.